The first part of this series [November 2006] gave suggestions for recognizing, processing, and having the courage to start stepping outside of your comfort zone. Now we are ready to discover how to recognize, process, and resolve the limiting, negative, and emotional sensations that often arise as we leave our comfort zone: emotions such as fear and anxiety, anger, guilt, feeling wounded, regret, disappointment, and/or feelings that you’re not worth it.
When we feel any one of these feelings—or especially a combination of them—we say we are uncomfortable. This leads to being frustrated, discouraged, and eventually exhausted. Let’s look at each of these limiting emotions for what they really are and learn to change the emotional charge from negative to positive, better enabling you to leave your comfort zone.
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a closed room with
a mosquito.” ~ African proverb
You’re Not Worth It
Unworthiness is an insidious thought that implies we are inadequate and downright deficient. It hides in the deepest part of us. Just about anything we do brings this to mind. It could be something good or something we perceive as bad. It doesn’t seem to make any difference because that eternal internal voice (or the Brat, as I like to call it) says, “See, you’re not worth it.” Unworthiness is the foundation of our comfort zone.
Suggestion: Confront that eternal internal voice, the Brat. Challenge that old belief system that plays over and over in your head. Dare to change the story you have made up about your life that might not be true anymore. Often, the embellishments and bits and pieces we like to add to some simple story that was never quite true intensify the unworthiness we feel. Take a good look at what makes you feel you’re not worth it. Is that really how you feel about yourself in a particular situation, or is it some old tape playing that needs to be changed?
Fear/Anxiety
Fear and anxiety allow your mind to imagine the outcome of any action before you actually take it. Then all that is left to do is to react. It’s the flight equation of the fight-or-flight response. Here is another way to think about it: Anxiety and fear are interest paid on a debt you may not owe. It is easy in today’s world to find things to be anxious about, but if you permit your thinking brain to fixate on them instead of deciding whether or not to take action, you are like a gerbil in an exercise wheel. You start avoiding all things and thoughts that might produce anxiety.
Suggestion: Face your fears. Close your eyes and see, hear, and feel the fear and anxiety. Feel it permeate your being. Then, with your eyes still closed, physically take three steps back from the picture and emotions you just experienced. From this distance notice that you can easily detach or distance yourself from the feelings and simply observe the circumstances for what they really are. This gives you a transparent view of them without the emotional attachment in a way that will allow you to recognize and appreciate what has been holding you captive. Open your eyes and repeat the exercise with your eyes open. Often, this is enough to allow you to let go of what you are anxious or fearful about because you see it for what it is for the first time. It’s not worth your time and energy; it is an illusion or old memory. It’s just a story.
Wounded
When we are wounded we feel loss and oftentimes grief. When someone lets us down or breaks a promise, we often feel wounded and our feelings are hurt. It is even worse when we let ourselves down. The most common cover-up for these unpleasant feelings is anger, which often leads to depression. This is the reason we may choose not to expose ourselves to the possibilities of our dreams because of the potential to be let down by others—or even worse—by ourselves.
Suggestion: Have you ever heard that old saying, “What you think of me is none of my business”? Often the other person doesn’t even know you and yet you get offended or hurt by what he or she says or does. Hurt feelings are a waste of time and energy; there are more important things for you to be doing, like creating opportunities for yourself. Simply know that what they are saying is only their opinion. They are entitled to that—it doesn’t have to affect you. In the end, the only person who can hurt your feelings is you. So take a step back and decide whether you want to waste your time feeling wounded or whether you want to process what happened so it doesn’t become yet another stumbling block in your memory bank.
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
~ Siddhartha Buddha
Anger
Anger is the fight in the fight-or-flight response. Usually you are reacting to a perceived danger, not something real. Our imaginations are powerful tools that, scientifically speaking, don’t know the difference between what is real and what isn’t and that trigger fear and help create a self-perpetuating circle of the fight/flight response. It’s exhausting to be trapped in this response.
Suggestion: For better or for worse, when we are angry we usually have clarity of mind, the ability to focus, and lots of energy. Use that energy to do something that might stretch your comfort zone in a positive way. Anger is the impetus for change; use it. Allow it to create forward motion. Once you are in motion you can always make corrections and adjust your path as you move toward your dream. Remember, our feelings aren’t what tell us stop, our programming does.
“It is hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head.”
~ writer Sally Kempton
Regret
Regret is what we feel when we do something we perceive as wrong. Everyone has personal lists of right and wrong, so who is right and who is wrong? Regret can be equated with guilt, shame, or remorse. We often feel regret when we feel we’ve failed at something or when we don’t take advantage of opportunities that present themselves. Even if we just do something different, we often feel regret because we believe we made fools of ourselves. Sometimes we even feel regret about succeeding. You just can’t win!
Suggestion: Begin questioning your regret, your guilt. Challenge the programmed message played by the Brat in the background of your mind. Over time that pre-programmed message should fade and be replaced with a new belief. By bringing the inner dialogue to consciousness you can more objectively see that your beliefs about something you learned long ago may not be in your best interest today. We learn by trying—regardless of the outcome.
“Too often, the opportunity knocks, but by the time you push back the chain, push back the bolt, unhook the two locks and shut off the burglar alarm, it’s too late.”
~ singer Rita Coolidge
Disappointment
We feel disappointed and discouraged when anxiety, anger, guilt, unworthiness and hurt feelings fester over time. This promotes inaction. Here is an example: If, as a child, your mother said, “Don’t touch the stove, you will burn yourself!” and you went ahead and did it, you got burned. Fast forward a few years. Your school is having a potato roast in the fall where you wrap potatoes in foil and they are put into a large bonfire to cook. The other children are dancing around the fire and having a great time. You, however, remember that fire equates getting burned, so you stay on the sidelines and don’t have a good time. Fast forward another few years. In high school there’s a huge bonfire as part of a pep rally for an upcoming game. Everyone is yelling and dancing around, but you stay back and don’t participate because you might get burned. Fast forward another few years. You are in a very loving, caring relationship that is starting to get serious. You pull away because you might get burned. Get the picture? We allow an old, old story to keep us stuck emotionally. We have the power to pursue our dreams, but often childhood and young adult memories and beliefs keep us firmly tethered to our modus operandi—our comfort zone. Often our mind translates disappointments as failure.
Suggestion: Because being disappointed and feeling discouraged is the culmination of all of the other sensations and beliefs rolled into one, as you carefully examine and work with changing each facet of your comfort zone, you will gradually realize that there is nothing stopping you but yourself. The past is loaded with stories we tell ourselves, whether they are completely true or not—our brains don’t know the difference, so we react the same way each time the story repeats itself in our memory. You are not a failure because there is no such thing as failure, only negative feedback. That’s what allows you to learn. All of this sounds simplistic. I can tell you it will be the hardest but also the most rewarding work you will ever do.
Here’s the good news about the comfort zone: The energy that makes up your comfort zone is yours! Emotions are infused with energy—use this energy to get what you want. Create and expand your opportunities; use the energy to be productive rather than destructive. Learn to wield this energy as a tool for your benefit, not your downfall. The emotions you feel when you are stuck in your comfort zone shouldn’t limit you, but rather alert you to pay attention instead to the varied responses you can now choose.
“Never be afraid to try something new. Remember amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.”
~ writer Dave Barry
Take one small step at a time. If you can do something now, do it now. If it can’t be done now, (a) decide it’s not going to get done period or (b) decide when it will get done. If you don’t do this, you drag the past into the future. It becomes a tremendous burden and creates just one more reason for feeling unworthy and guilty. What doesn’t get done is always on your mind, leaving no space for creative thinking and problem solving. The burden of yesterday’s undone actions is a heavy load to carry. Decide not to carry it. Let it go and move on to what is immediately in front of you that needs your attention.
Face new situations with your newly acquired awareness of yourself and challenge your comfort zone. When you find yourself in a new situation, be aware of your feelings and use them as a signal to engage the new thought process. Sharpen your awareness to absorb the information being presented and process it for what it is, not what your predecided responses tell you it is.
Learn what an experience has to offer rather than running away from it. Once you know enough to discern that the opportunity is of interest to you and is not physically dangerous, literally take a step back, look objectively at the situation, and decide to take action or not. Don’t become attached to the outcome.
You will be exhilarated by the conversion of your stagnant or negative emotions to positive, active energy. You will no longer be constrained and depressed by the old routine of your comfort zone. Because the action you take is part of a process, the more you practice stretching and stepping out of your comfort zone, the more confidence you will gain as you go. Imagine the possibilities when you are able to harness all of your emotional energy and direct it toward creating career opportunities and achieving your dream.
“What is the difference between an obstacle and an opportunity? Our attitude towards it. Every opportunity has a difficulty and every difficulty has an opportunity.”
~ author J. Sidlow Baxter
Join those of us who stumble through it, make do, make mistakes, and even fail but who use these experiences to learn something new about ourselves or how the world works.
Life happens whether we want it to or not, so why not step out of your comfort zone and start creating and expanding your career and life opportunities? Plan to be uncomfortable when you do something you haven’t done before. It’s OK. Simply start by being willing to feel that way. Then as your life unfolds you can test yourself to see if you are ready and willing to jump in.
Remember: Life is not so much determined by the things that happen but by the choices you make about the things that happen.
