Dear Erda,
I am a young soprano who is working regularly and successfully. My problem is this: I have an acquaintance from college days who is also trying to get work as a singer. She has a modest voice with little training and a pretty disastrous technique. She also has an ego the size of Eastern Europe and no real perspective on her limitations. She is constantly asking me to recommend her to directors and houses that I work with. She also lists me as a reference on her résumé, although I have asked her not to. I am concerned about how to respond to her. I don’t want to crush her dreams, but she just doesn’t have the voice for the type of music she wants to sing. What should I do?
Sincerely,
—MM
Hi MM,
Congratulations on your success. You’ve worked hard for it, and as it continues to grow, you will find there are people who try to associate themselves with you in the hopes that some of your mojo will rub off on them. Some of these folks are just hardworking, aspiring singers who need the same helping hand you’re probably getting from older, wiser colleagues—and some are the frustrated wannabes who don’t quite understand what it takes and tragically miss the point, over and over. You should be kind to all of them, not only because it’s the right thing to do, but because you never know when an ugly duckling will transform into a swan. Someone who looks like a wannabe this year may end up pulling herself together and become a player next season.
I don’t know which category your acquaintance falls under, but a couple of things are very clear from your note. First, your careful choice of words—she’s not a friend, she’s an acquaintance—plus the fact that you have little respect for her abilities show that you would like to distance yourself from her. This is a good idea. She is disrespectful of your requests. She doesn’t know her way around the business, and instead of educating herself she’s flailing about doing who knows what kind of damage to her own potential. She is also not ready to listen to and benefit from advice that might really help her. You don’t need to be professionally involved with someone like that, no matter how well meaning she is.
Secondly, your acquaintance is probably desperate as well as uninformed. Unless you are a prominent singer with a major career, it’s rather silly to list you as a reference. It certainly telegraphs her inexperience and lack of judgment.
Thirdly, and forgive me if I sound harsh, you are laboring under a misapprehension that her talent, or lack thereof, is any concern of yours. It’s really not for you to judge whether she has the talent or training to have the career she wants. You’re entitled to your opinion, of course, but unless she comes to you asking specifically for advice, it is not your place to share it. Nor is it wise. Concentrate on your own career, and let her worry about hers.
Of course, this is easier said than done when she has, to some degree, glommed onto you. There are two ways to handle her. One is to continue to distance yourself from her, to avoid seeing her or being around her as much as possible. Screen your calls and don’t respond to her calls or e-mails. If you do run into her, be cordial but distant and cut any contact short. You might even want to send her a registered letter making it clear that you should not be listed as a reference.
The other way is to sit down with her one last time and try to make her understand. Tell her that although you wish her well, you are not comfortable serving as a reference for another singer and you really must insist that she remove your name from her résumé. And in the future, when she asks you to recommend her to houses or directors, simply say, “If an appropriate opportunity arises, I will.”
If someone actually calls you for a reference for her, you must under no circumstances criticize her. Simply tell them kindly, “There must be some mistake. I never agreed to be her reference.” If they ask why, just say, “I really don’t know what to tell you. I am not her reference and I don’t feel comfortable discussing her singing.” They will get the hint and take it up with her.
If your acquaintance does ask you for an evaluation of her talent, you can be frank without being rude or crushing her dreams. Instead of criticizing her voice and technique, remind her that competition is stiff and if she’s not getting anywhere, perhaps she needs to reevaluate her product. You can list, dispassionately, the things she needs to fix, and let her draw her own conclusions. Frankly, I would avoid this conversation if at all possible, unless you think she’s reached the point where she is ready to really listen.
In the meantime, if it’s really impossible to avoid her and she refuses to get the message, just spend as little time as possible with her and change the subject quickly if she begins talking about singing-related matters. Sadly, many people on the fringes of our business, for any number of reasons, have not been able to realize their dreams of a performance career. Some of these, well-intentioned though they might be, can become pests. As professionals, we should treat these people with kindness and forbearance as much as possible, but they must not be allowed to interfere with our work.
Good luck!
—Cindy
