For most singers, a schedule packed with rehearsals and concerts and travel dates is a sign of professional success. But being in demand can take its toll on a singer’s personal life, especially when it comes to romance. Just ask Paul Draper, a bass-baritone who estimates that in the last 14 months he’s spent fewer than 100 days at his home in Las Vegas.
“I am never here for holidays: Halloween, Christmas, New Year’s,” he says, “because that’s when people have the money to hire me. It’s very hard to keep a girlfriend or significant other. It’s hard just to have a dog or fish or keep a plant alive!”
While Draper avoids dating fans because of potential backlash, some singers find that performances can open doors romantically. “For better or worse, most of the women I’ve dated have been on gigs or because of gigs,” says Boston-based tenor Steven Soph. He says he met someone who was distributing information at a benefit concert where he’d performed, and one of his friends invited her to join them for drinks afterwards. The pair ended up dating for three years.
Dating Other Musicians (or Not)
However, as Soph points out, “dating a non-musician usually requires their immense generosity and understanding with regard to scheduling woes. Without their flexibility, it simply wouldn’t happen. I just dated someone who lives outside of Boston, and I have a church gig every week, so I couldn’t leave on the weekends. That was tricky, but we still managed to navigate it because she was phenomenally flexible. It’s possible, but sometimes it’s really frustrating.”
Soph says he tends to date other musicians because “if you’re dating someone who gigs, there’s an inherent understanding that weekends are probably not going to be weekends for us. The time during the week becomes the weekend.”
Draper also says he’s drawn to musical types because they can commiserate with him. But he predicts he’ll eventually end up with someone who’s interested in handling the business side of his career or running a household while he travels.
As he puts it, “[Most of my friends] either choose a significant other who tours with them in some capacity or they choose someone who is a nester: someone who is happy staying at home, maintaining the family. It hearkens back to Abigail Adams, who spent months in Boston as her husband John was working with the Continental Congress.”
San Francisco-based soprano Jennie Litster makes a point of not dating other musicians, although she admits she wouldn’t rule it out if the right person came along. “It’s such a small world,” she explains. “I don’t want things getting around. And knowing the lifestyle of a musician, I want someone who is stable and can be an anchor for me. [Some] singers are high drama on the stage and off the stage. I go home and want to be normal so my [personal and professional lives] can be separate.”
While the larger-than-life emotions of opera can lead to offstage romance (or rumors of romance), Litster says she avoids the seductive allure of hooking up with a co-star. “You’re playing love interests and there are feelings,” she admits. “On the stage is one thing. But that’s a line of professionalism that I like to keep. I don’t want to go there because I don’t want people talking. Are we friends versus something else? I’ve seen it happen too often, even with people who are married [to other people].”
Instead, Litster says she tends to date business types. One of her keys to connecting with non-musicians is using terms from the corporate world to explain how the music business works and why she’s not available on a Friday or Saturday night if she has a performance.
“I’ve learned this talking to my family,” she says. “‘It’s like contract work,’ I might say. I’m still explaining it to them, because they’re [not musicians]. It’s a different lifestyle, so you need the right vocabulary.”
Marlissa Hudson, a lyric coloratura soprano from St. Louis, can relate to Litster’s experience. She says, “I think [their level of understanding] really depends on the type of person you’re dating. I found that the couple of times I’ve dated executive types, they’re very comfortable with it. They get it.”
Hudson was married to another singer and says that, ironically, her own career took off once they divorced and she became a single mother. “I don’t understand how two singers [raise kids],” she says. “I’m baffled. Either they have to travel together or they hire a nanny. My ex-husband did travel a lot. My career got stifled for some time. It wasn’t until we got divorced that I really started pursuing it.”
Fighting Stereotypes
In addition to time and geographic constraints, some singers find that preconceptions can make it more difficult to date. “Singers in general are very big personalities, and that’s the bane of my existence,” laments Litster. “We’re comfortable with what we do, which freaks some guys out. That’s the hurdle that I’m working with. I’m still figuring it out. I don’t want to change or pull back on my personality. I’m holding out for someone who is comfortable enough with themselves to be fine with that.”
Being a singer has had the opposite effect for Draper. “I find that when I start to date, girls are fascinated with my lifestyle,” he says. “They’re in love with the idea of the adventure and the travel. But after about six months to a year, they say it’s time to settle down, and it ends.”
Then there’s the question of sexual preference. “In the opera world, finding somebody straight is a challenge,” admits Hudson.
“Just from the experience that I’ve had, every man that I meet is gay until proven straight,” adds Litster. “I used to think my ‘gaydar’ was pretty good, but I have been misled on occasion.”
According to Soph (who is straight), “There have been gigs where I’m especially focused if it’s something difficult or outside of what I normally do, and I won’t necessarily be social. Often the assumption is ‘he’s the quiet gay tenor from Boston.’ Usually after the performance, one beer in, it becomes ‘he’s the tenor from Boston.’”
Still, Soph says that stereotypes haven’t had a negative impact on his dating life. “No one’s intimidated by tenors,” he jokes. “I’ve always heard the adages that women adore the tenors but they go home with the basses. I don’t know if that’s true or not.”
Making Long Distance Work
Long-distance relationships (or LDRs) are one option for singers on tour, though they can be challenging. “You certainly can’t be a jealous type for a long-distance relationship,” says Draper. “You have to be incredibly trusting, and you have to have someone who’s equally trusting.”
According to Draper, LDRs also require strong communication on both sides. “One has to keep the spice up by sending notes frequently,” he adds. “Hand-making cards, sending things with the cologne or scent—showing that wherever one is, your significant other is on your mind. Whenever there is time together, making sure that that together time is together time. When you’re present, being present.”
Of course, LDRs aren’t for everyone, as Litster points out. “I’m not a big fan of long-distance dating,” she says. “I’m an in-person person. Quality time is really important to me.”
Finding Love Online
Another option for busy singers is online dating, which Litster says she plans to try in 2010. Hudson also says she’d be open to trying online dating, though she mostly finds dates through her network of friends or her alumni connections from her undergrad years at Duke.
“I like the idea of online dating,” adds Hudson. “I know people who’ve gotten married from online dating. Everybody’s too busy these days.”
According to Dale Koppel, author of The Intelligent Woman’s Guide to Online Dating: And She Lived Happily Ever After (www.theintelligentwomansguide.com), “The beauty of online dating for people with crazy schedules, or who aren’t in one place for very long, is that if you do it right, you’re in total control. For example, at two in the morning, you can be online looking at hundreds of men who meet your criteria. You don’t have to go to a bar or whatever at eight at night when you’re not available. It’s on your time and your terms.”
Koppel advises busy daters to be up front about their schedule so that potential dates know what to expect. “The people who respond to you are going to be the people who can accommodate that,” she adds.
For those who are concerned that mentioning opera or classical singing credits in an online dating profile might intimidate potential dates, Koppel suggests that they “describe themselves in a non-intimidating way without denying who they are. You have to be who you are. You can’t pretend you’re something you’re not.”
Koppel also points out that online dating can also be useful for singers who are traveling to a new city where they don’t know anyone. “If I knew I was going to Vancouver, I would look for men in Vancouver,” she says, “and I would e-mail them and I say ‘I’m going to be in Vancouver in two weeks. How about getting together?’”
Of course, a similar strategy can work offline, too. Hudson suggests that “if you’re in a city where you’re not native, find somebody who’s connected. A lot of singers are not comfortable with networking, but that’s what I do. Resources are the name of the game. Some people do it through church activities, but you need to be affiliated with something.”
Whether searching for dates online, joining a local Meetup Group, attending church services, or tapping into alumni networks, single singers have many different options for meeting new people and potential dates.
