We’ve all felt it. It may have been brought on by a stage director who screamed and demeaned; a teacher who charged for the full hour when she spent 15 minutes on the phone; rude auditioners who chattered and laughed while you poured your soul out in song; colleagues who showed up totally unprepared and made you look bad; a fellow singer whose career soared –with the help of a well-heeled sponsor; competitions which seem to be “fixed”.
Most singers have felt the stab of Victim Mentality. But with too many singers, this unfortunate thought process has become a way of life. Everyone agrees that all is not well in the business of classical singing, but we are more concerned here with how the victim attitude is impacting singers, their singing and the field in general. As we continue our focus on bringing to pass a new Golden Age of Classical Singing, we turn attention to one factor which is holding many singers back from achieving their full potential.
The telltale sign of victim thinking is that someone or something else is responsible for our situation. The problem is “out there.” By this thought process, victims give away their power to someone or something else.
We see Victim Mentality in letters, on the CS online forum, in the singer’s union, in talks with singers, in rehearsals. Anywhere where singers meet, it seems that talk is focusing more and more on frustration, anger and bitterness instead of on solutions. Singers are swinging from one extreme of hopelessness to the other extreme of fury.
It is of great concern because either extreme drains energy and talent. It is keeping singers from having the impact on the world that they could otherwise have, and it is keeping our business as a whole from moving forward.
Do the top singers suffer from Victim Mentality? Consider Jane Eaglen’s experience when as a young singer she auditioned for a prestigious music school and was turned down. Instead of exhibiting victim mentality and using up her energy in bitterness and anger, she wrote that she just laughed! More telling is her comment that it just made her more determined to prove them wrong. Read interviews and biographies of Golden Age Singers to see that most have not allowed themselves to be victims even from the very beginning of their careers when things seemed hopeless. In a few inspiring cases, they corrected Victim Mentality mid-career. You can too.
The big question to answer first is: are you suffering from Victim Mentality? Since “every man is right in his own eyes,” it can be difficult to see the truth about yourself. Your friends and family may not notice it either; they may hand out sympathy, but that only encourages more of the same destructive thoughts, feelings and actions.
Here are a few telltale signs:
You find yourself constantly angry with others in the business. Perhaps you find that you are telling the same stories over and over about matters that are “not fair.” You most certainly are not feeling joy and fulfillment in your singing. A good test is to see how often you find yourself thinking thoughts such as:
There is nothing I can do except shut up and take it. The music world is small, and I’ll be blackballed if I stand up for myself.
People in the business are out to get me. It is dog-eat-dog.
The world (neighbors, employer, etc.) doesn’t appreciate the classical singer.
People don’t like me because I’m a singer.
That teacher (coach, administrator, etc) ruined any chance I had.
The union (teacher, administrator, university, Classical Singer Magazine) doesn’t do enough to help me.
My family (spouse, parents, children) does not support me, so I’ll never have a career.
This business is too expensive. I can’t afford to…(study, coach, subscribe, fly)… so I’ll never be a great singer.
I can’t get good auditions with good companies because I don’t have a manager.
The list could go on and on but the concept is the same: I have no power to act. In reality, you have simply agreed to give your power to someone else.
Let us consider the effects of the victim mentality on singers specifically.
1. VICTIMS CAN’T SING WELL.
Victimization has a direct impact on the physiology of singing. Victims don’t feel that they have power to act or speak, so there is muscle tension in the throat and elsewhere caused by holding back. A victim’s posture is slumped, the breath is not flowing freely, and there is usually tension or clenching right in the support mechanism. In short, none the mechanisms that would allow for a rich, full, easy, communicative voice are available.
2. VICTIMS DON’T GET HIRED.
Victimization pushes employers away from you. A dramatic soprano I know with a potentially beautiful instrument not only doesn’t get hired as a singer, she is having difficulty getting hired in any field. The years of Victim Mentality are a poison seeping into every area of her life, including the voice. Over the years, this attitude has actually etched victim lines in her face, so people she doesn’t even know tend to avoid her. She continues to blame the business when she is the one who has pushed success away.
A well known career counselor, Bill Frank from CareerLab, wrote about this Victim Mentality in the workplace: “[Some feel that the] All-American Dream has given them the shaft…. That’s a large part of the problem they act shafted, and communicate a sour grapes attitude no one wants to be around…They are old, but not because of age. They are old primarily because of attitude. This pattern is a big problem. Prospective employers can smell it a mile away.”
3. VICTIMS CAN’T ELECTRIFY AUDIENCES.
Victimization blocks that magical energy flow to the audience. When all the emotions and psyche are tied up in “it’s not fair,” there isn’t much left to give to an audience. When audiences go away unmoved by such a performance, he is unmemorable, hence, unhireable. Unless such a singer has some tricks, such as extreme high notes or huge volume, that career will not happen.
You can’t sing a lie. If you are feeling like a failure, like a victim, the audience gets that message loud and clear through your posture, gestures, expressions, and through the lack of that intangible energy flow. And you are believed.
4. VICTIMS BEGET MORE VICTIMS.
Victimization is hurting the entire field. Every time you let yourself be victimized, you are teaching other singers to be victims and teaching conductors, coaches, teachers, etc. to continue the pattern. The impact this is having on voices, psyches and even salaries is incalculable.
5. VICTIMS ARE LEFT ALONE.
It is sad to watch as singers ruin their personal lives with this thinking pattern. Victim Mentality literally blocks singers from having satisfying relationships. You may not have started out as a victim when you began to sing, but now emotions that could be going towards building a relationship are tied up in anger, bitterness and self-pity. There’s not much emotion left for caring, nurturing and the unselfish giving that are the basis of relationships.
One common occurance is to hear singers complain about their partners, saying, “he/she doesn’t support me in my career.” But often those singers are looking for sympathy, not support. Victims get addicted to the narcotic of pity, and it is a rare partner that can keep the victim supplied for very long. We’ve all seen those singer-victims turn away from their partners and go to other singer-victims for their very temporary fix; they turn to “someone who understands.” A recipe for relationship disaster.
Victim Mentality Recovery
Every person has some feelings on both sides of the spectrum at different times. However, if you found yourself becoming angry or frustrated at this topic, even mentally going down a checklist of all the injustices done to you, you can be sure this is an area you need to work on if you would like to make progress on your singing and your life. The anger you feel is simply resistance, because it can be really hard to give up this way of thinking. Suddenly you can’t sit on the sidelines and complain anymore. You recognize that the outcome of the game is truly up to you–and always has been up to you. That doesn’t mean it is your fault another favorite victim thought it just means you are ready to learn new skills.
Victim attitude recovery involves three steps but it is built on the foundation of a belief in change; on the hope that we don’t have to stay where we are; that our singing should be wonderful, challenging and satisfying; our relationships mutually helpful and supportive.
The Four Principles of Recovery
1. RECLAIM YOUR POWER
The first principle of recovery is to recognize that you really do have power. Notice that each of the victim statements above gives away your power. The problem is always “out there” and therefore, it is not fixable. It is no wonder we feel like victims, since we have given all our power to other people. Every time you think a victim thought, stop and try to reclaim your ability to act or speak. What can you do?
You do have power but since a victim pattern has been established in the business, few singers have seen good examples. When a problem occurs in the business, most of us have only seen the two extremes: expressions of anger (where a singer victimizes someone else) or repression of anger (Victim Mentality). The correct balance is to understand that power can be reclaimed when we start seeing singers speak the truth firmly yet without a trace of anger.
As an example, it is common for casts to smile to a problem conductor or a fellow singer, but mutter to other singers behind his or her back. When this is happening, singers need to realize that there is a gentle form of truth that needs to be said. Instead, step out of the victim attitude. Take back your power to influence. I just saw this in action recently as I watched a singer stop being a victim. He didn’t ostracize a problem colleague but befriended him and then gently said to him in private, “I am having a difficult time finding my entrances because you aren’t comfortable with your role yet. I bet if you asked you could arrange some coaching with the staff. It would really help you feel more comfortable and help us all put on a better show.”
Another example: Singers rehearsing with an un-musical conductor who didn’t know the score very well began to speak what they needed out loud. “Maestro, in order to do this in one breath, I need to do it at a faster tempo.” They kept gently and kindly insisting – without anger – stopping and asking to do the section again until the problem was fixed.
Another example that was inspiring to me was the singer who stood up to a ranting stage director and calmly said, “I’m going to go outside. I’ll come back when you’ve had a chance to calm down.”
The result? In every case, the victim attitude that pervaded the rehearsal dissipated and all the singers could breathe again. We’ve gotten into a pattern of saying nice things to people’s faces, and completely the opposite behind their backs. Remember that this pattern is hurting your career: it isn’t healthy for your voice, relationships or the field in general. Repressed anger stops the breath flow and stops the flow of power in your performance. Expressed anger isn’t much better for your voice and certainly not for your career. The trick is to find a way to speak the truth to the right person simply and with kindness.
2. You can change your feelings.
Feelings come from thoughts and that you are the only one who can choose what you will think about. If you are feeling like a victim, it is only because you are thinking like a victim. Victor Frankl learned in a concentration camp that the one freedom that conditions cannot take from us is our freedom to form a healthy attitude toward those very conditions, grim as those may sometimes be. Even if every freedom is taken from you, you will always retain the power to choose your thoughts and therefore your feelings. You have the power to find joy in small things, to feel grateful for everything in your life therefore you have the power to be happy no matter what.
3. Get an accurate picture of your talent and skill level. Learn to hear your inner voice.
Some singers are feeling victimized because they don’t have an accurate perception of their talent and the realm in which they could be successful. Others expect the rewards without the work. CS used to spend a lot of time sympathizing with singers about how terribly the business was treating them. What an interesting experience it was to receive cassettes from singers over the years and find that some of the most angry, victimized singers, had pinched, whiney voices. How could it be otherwise?
In order to be a victor and not a victim, you need to have an accurate picture of your current level of training and talent and how you fit into the current state of the business of classical singing. Listen to your inner voice. Do you “know” that you are supposed to be one of the great singers of the world? Read biographies of great singers and see how they overcame your same challenges and then get out there and do it. There’s an old saying which fits here: “God wouldn’t have given birds the desire to fly South for the winter if there was no South.”
There are many, many opportunities to serve the world and find fulfillment singing. Sometimes I think this victim mentality could be a result of singers trying to pursue fame when their inner calling may be much closer to home. Are you really miserable pursuing this career? There might be a reason for that beyond Victim Mentality. Look inside and listen. Many philosophies state the concept that when you are pursuing your life’s true course, things will work together for good. If you are off course in thought or action, nothing works right.
It may be time to stop hitting your head against a glass ceiling you were never meant to crack and instead look around right where you are for opportunities to use your talents.
4. No matter what you choose to believe, it will become true.
Sounds too New Age for you? It isn’t at all. I did quite a bit of research and found this principle in Buddhism, Christianity including Old and New Testaments, The Book of Mormon and other Christian works, modern day psychiatry, ancient Greek philosophers and metaphysics. At the end of this article, I’ve included quotes from many different sources. Read them and see if you can find some work or some writer who hits home. Sometimes it is hard to see truth when it is presented in words that seem foreign to your beliefs, so I’ve tried to find something that should feel comfortable for every singer who has an interest in becoming un-victimized.
Singers who want to get to the top of the field cannot have victim mentality. Instead, they must constantly visualize success and then work to get it. Read biographies and interviews with great singers and great people throughout history. Take note of their thought patterns. One example from the popular realm: singer Faith Hill who sang the national anthem at the Superbowl said, “I was 14 when I consciously decided to become a singer. I believe you have to envision things to make them happen, and I had an image of myself performing in front of people.’’ (Parade Magazine, 1/30/00)
Here, again, are a few common Victim Mentality comments followed by those expressing the Victor Mentality. Which would you like to realize as truth? Listen to your inner voice, then rearrange your thoughts accordingly, work hard, and you’ll get your wish.
