Early Americas president John Adams wrote:
“I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. My sons ought to study mathematics and philosophy, geography, natural history . . . and agriculture in order to give their children a right to study painting, poetry, music, architecture, statuary, tapestry, and porcelain.”
We get to live in the generation John Adams envisioned as having “a right” to study the arts, to pursue our heart’s dream. Men or women with a love of and gift for musical expression can set their course and follow their path. Clearly, the path is not easy. Challenges take the form of finances, criticism, rejection, health, relationships, and more. But the path itself is a choice. Sometimes in the middle of it all, when one more discouragement threatens to bring hope to its knees, it’s hard to remember that it was a choice and why you made that choice.
I am not a classical singer. I’m an amateur singer with a great admiration for the sacrifices and challenges you face as you pursue your heart’s dream. In my wellness coaching practice I work with professionals who struggle to find their happiness in the midst of a world that at times seems intent on taking away the very thing they came to find. Because the striving can become so overwhelming it is important to have a core to return to, a belief system supported by a set of behaviors that will help you navigate the sometimes turbulent waters. So to begin, it’s important to remember why you chose to sing in the first place. Here’s a multiple choice question for you:
I chose to be a classical singer because:
A) I was excited at the thought of constantly beating myself up struggling for perfection.
B) I wanted to lose “me” amid everyone telling me where, when, why, and how I should be.
C) I adore being rejected.
D) I love beautiful music, have a talent for it, and want to express myself through it.
Let me guess—you chose “D.” (If you chose one of the others we really do need to talk!)
Now that you have remembered the why of your singing, it’s important to figure out how to retain that memory in the middle of those “A”s, “B”s, and “C”s. I recently came upon a quote by Anna Quindlen in her book, Being Perfect: “Someday, sometime, you will be sitting somewhere . . . and something bad will have happened: You will have lost someone you loved, or failed at something at which you badly wanted to succeed. And sitting there, you will fall into the center of yourself. You will look for some core to sustain you. And if you have been perfect all your life and have managed to meet all the expectations of your family, your friends, your community, your society, chances are excellent that there will be a black hole where that core ought to be.”
No one can hold on to their heart’s dream and let go of themselves. That letting go happens if you are being dominated by too many “A”s, “B”s, or “C”s. If you see this in your own life, perhaps it’s time for a change. Perhaps it’s time to learn how to develop that core, time to learn how to nourish your center so it is strong enough to continue the amazing journey you have set yourself upon—and that requires taking care of yourself.
What does self-care mean to you? Does just the sound of it seem like an impossibility? Are excuses tumbling over each other in your head—all the “I can’t because _______” (you fill in the blank)? Seriously, take a minute and write down any objections that may have sounded off just now. Now, I’d like you to take each of your objections and respectfully offer them a comfortable, overstuffed chair to sit in, have them take a deep breath, and ask them to be curious for a minute.
I am going to share only five ideas from the many I could address. These are ideas that have the potential to help you enjoy the journey and realize your heart’s dream more fully. I give them with two caveats:
• Allow yourself to choose what fits you, or inspires you to think of something that may work even better.
• If you decide to change something, go slowly. This isn’t your typical dizzying carousel of perfection. Pick only one thing at a time and get comfortable with it before you move on to another. Remember, this exercise is about personal empowerment, not about listening to some “expert” giving you a list of things you have to do.
1. Center yourself daily
Many people find it useful to have some kind of daily self-connecting ritual. Possible suggestions include: journaling, yoga, prayer, deep breathing, meditation, tai chi, inspirational reading, and spending time in nature. The beginning of your day is an ideal time for this because it allows you to create a space of time that is yours alone and it’s worth it even if you have to wake earlier than other family members to accomplish it.
Making this a priority does several things. First, it sends a message to yourself that you matter. Second, it helps you train to be present in the moment. Third, it can help you remember who you are, which brings greater peace and perspective as your day unfolds, no matter what the day brings.
2. Be physically active
Most likely you already know this one and are either doing something or are feeling guilty that you’re not. More and more research is showing the amazing benefits of physical activity. I’m using that term rather than “exercise” for a reason. Being physically active includes exercise but is broader than exercise. You may be actively working in your garden, mopping the floor, washing the car—gaining benefits even if you’re not at the gym. Those benefits are both emotional and physical. Emotional benefits include alleviation of depression, taking a respite from worry, and training your body to handle stress effectively.
Physical activity also puts you in touch with your body, that most intimate territory that many women (and men) experience as a war zone. You’re familiar with this internal battle that wages around wanting your body to be a different proportion or size. Sadly the victim in this war is self-esteem, which gets shot full of holes. Even the opera world is increasingly making body image part of acceptance. Being physically active not only allows you to achieve the body you want, but also helps you accept, enjoy, and appreciate the body you’re in as you take better care of it.
OK, you accept this as a good idea. How do you begin a fitness program and keep it up? Here are a few suggestions:
• Have fun. Find things you enjoy so physical activity is not just one more “to-do” on your already over-burdened checklist.
• Share your workout: Use it as a time of social interaction with friends or family.
• Enjoy variety: Anything gets boring after a while, and incorporating aerobic activity, strength training, and flexibility for overall fitness helps you enjoy diversity.
• Make it easy to access: If you’ve targeted an exercise spot across town chances are you’ll seldom get there. Explore options you can do at or near your home.
3. Live in the present
Now is the only time you have any control over. You cannot change the past and the future is unknown, so stressing to control either will make you crazy. Being present allows you to live each moment fully. How many times have you been driving and suddenly you realize you don’t remember how you got there?
If you think of the things you really love to do, part of the enjoyment comes because you are giving them your full attention. That principle actually works in reverse. As you give your full attention to whatever task is at hand you will find yourself enjoying it even if it is not your favorite thing to do. Most of the time, most of us are busy doing something but our mind is somewhere else—typically replaying the past or projecting into the future. Just
that simple pattern adds to our stress levels and keeps us from enjoying the now.
Imagine this scenario: You’re practicing for an audition, thinking about how you choked at your last audition. Can you do anything to change that experience? Is it helping your practice right now to spend time thinking of it? What kinds of messages are you sending to yourself? You are involved in a crazy-making activity, setting yourself up for failure because you are actually practicing the past failure as much or more than you are practicing your future success. So try again and this time be in the moment.
You are rehearsing. You are noticing and feeling your body. You are aware of your voice. You are aware of nuances you want to enhance or change. You are enjoying the thing you have come into this profession for—using your talent to express beautiful music. You are letting this moment be as important as any other.
4. Resist the pull to confuse your identity and your profession
This one is a particular challenge for a classical singer. Your life is spent honing your skills of voice, movement, language, enunciation, intonation, auditioning, or working on the role you just got (congrats!). The tendency is to see “life” as the time you are actively pursuing your art and everything else as non-life. Where does that leave you? Are you your profession?
Patricia Linville, a psychologist at Duke University, has shown through her research that when people have what she calls “self-complexity”—meaning they explore many facets of their personalities—they are less prone to stress, depression, and physical symptoms of illness in the wake of stressful life events. She also found that they had higher self-esteem because they have strengths to fall back on when one part of them is lost or wounded.
So here is a self-check question. What else besides singing do you enjoy doing in your life? When and how are you engaged in it? If you come up with little or nothing this may be an area for you to spend time considering. Not only can you gain a broader base from which to withstand challenges but you will begin to recognize that you and your profession are not the same thing and you can receive the aforementioned “A”s, “B”s, and “C”s with greater perspective.
5. Seek for excellence not perfection
It is not possible to be perfect. If this freaks you out, I’m sorry, but you’re a human being and that means you will have days when you feel amazing and days when you feel . . . well, less than amazing. Some days your voice is strong and full and all the things you have worked so hard for flow effortlessly. You know about the other days.
Perfectionism is a debilitating lie. It’s unrealistic and harmful. Yet it is part of the culture of the classical singer’s world. Being “perfect” by virtue of its unattainability keeps you constantly striving for the impossible. It keeps you caught in a dizzying whirlpool from which it is difficult to extricate yourself—and that can lead to feelings of depression.
Thinking of being excellent is something altogether different. It still requires time, energy, and work—all the things you are doing—but the internal requirement changes and allows you to be more self-accepting.
Ultimately this journey is up to you. This is the time for your heart’s dream. You get to choose if it is going to bring you more joy or more regret. You don’t have the power to control the outcome of your auditions—but you do have the ability to have an impact on the quality of your journey. Oliver Wendell Holmes said: “Alas for those that never sing, but die with all their music in them!” Here’s the great news: They won’t say that
about you.
