Today’s opera world is a stressful place. People on the Internet—a manager, a stage director, a patron, an administrator—can criticize your character, your skills, your performance. Sometimes you are there to defend yourself. Other times, you aren’t. In either case, it’s difficult not to be steaming angry. What can you do?
Perhaps the criticism is actually a lie about you, and you are left hung out to dry. There is no way for you to get the last word. You are stewing privately in your misery, with no one to listen to you. You need closure, but you don’t know how to get it.
People who post messages on the Internet list “Opera-L” often say all manner of things about singers who are in the public eye. For example, comments made recently about a soprano’s performance on a recent Met broadcast were cruel. Only one person stood up for her writing that they’d heard her live on a previous performance and they were convinced she was not feeling well during the broadcast. A false accusation or harsh criticism, left untreated, can lead to hurt feelings, anger, and bitterness. You become more frustrated and worried, knowing that others can come to believe the words others have spoken or written are true. Rehashing the problem without finding a solution seems to dig a hole you can’t get out of.
The resentment you feel can affect your future performances. Understand that the heart of recovery comes from knowing that the only person you can control is you. Take ten and find a quiet place to think.
When you are in the arts, the best thing you can do is ignore most criticism. Many singers refuse to read critics’ reviews or what is written on the Internet! But you can’t always ignore everything that is said and done—and sometimes you really do need to listen and make changes.
When criticism is incredibly hurtful, try the following mental strategies to give the situation a healthy review that will free you to move forward with your life and improve your performances.
Accusation
If you have time and aren’t having to think on your feet, write out the unedited accusation as it was spoken or written against you. You have rehearsed those painful words in your head so many times that they are imbedded in your brain. Those words have stung you, and with the least bit of provocation, they surface and rudely intrude into your thoughts. By writing down exactly what was said, the problem becomes more definable and you can start to address it from a clearer perspective.
Source
List the names of the person or people who have accused you, if you know them. It may be just an e-mail address, if the person was cowardly enough to hide behind this decoy. Now you have corralled both the offender and the offense. From this point, you can look at what was said, who said it, and explore the reasons it was said.
Keep in mind that when people offend you, it is easy to look at them as your enemies. If you can separate the offender from the offense, you will have a more objective vantage point. The offender may not have the motives you imagine.
A manager who says you are consistently singing sharp on your high notes is probably trying to help, not hurt. A singer in your same Fach who “kindly” tells you that she overheard people saying you are just too overweight for the role you are singing? Consider the source.
Others Say
Listen to what is being said about you in other places. Ask others (people on your team!) what they think of the situation. You might hear something that will make you change your own perspective. Listen to the comments of other people regarding you and this issue. Do others share the same opinions about the quality of your work or your behavior? Think about it. You may have been in a similar situation before. Have you heard the same description of your actions by other colleagues? Or is this the opposite of the real you?
You may need to face the fact that there is a partial truth you can dig from this.
You Say
What do you say about yourself?
You know the kind of person you have become. You have spent years building your character, your career, your skills. Take a good look at yourself and decide if there was any truth to this harsh criticism. If there wasn’t, then you cannot allow someone else’s words to affect your healthy self-image. The danger comes when you take this resentment and say something against your accuser, because of your own hurt feelings.
Consider what would happen if the soprano referred to in the beginning tried to post an explanation of her performance on Opera-L! Disaster!
Instead of retaliating in the same way you were hurt, isolate the accusation, or you will fall into self-pity. Don’t start bad-mouthing the general director, stage director, manager, etc. who has just demeaned you! It makes you sink to his or her level. Speak highly of yourself and behave in a manner that will make others see that you are professional and productive.
As another example, a stage director at New York City Opera was railing on a singer for not learning his stage business quickly enough—calling him “stupid,” etc. The singer realized he was about to lose control himself. Instead, he looked the stage director in the eye and said, “I’m going to go outside now. I’ll come back in when you are ready to speak calmly.” The stage manager soon called a break, and rehearsal resumed later, with no more hysterics. The singer won by keeping his cool.
Moment of Truth
Examine the accusation in light of the principles I have described, and draw your own conclusion. Take a moment to look at yourself and the situation from a different view. Decide what needs to be done, whether you need to make an attitude adjustment, or talk to your accuser.
Once you are calm, and have thought about the situation thoroughly, you can decide whether the issue should be dropped, or if you need to address the issue with your accuser in a professional manner. The previous exercises have already given you the tools to bring about closure no matter what action you decide to take.
Action Steps
In light of your observation and examination of the problem, is there anything you should or can do to remedy the perception someone has of you? If not, it’s time to release the hurt and anguish—by changing the things you have the power to change and letting go of those things that are out of your control. Let go by filling your mind with new constructive thoughts and your mouth with positive words. Self-control and a renewed healthy self-image replace the loss of control you experienced from someone else’s careless words.
Singers who have a life outside of singing will find this much easier to do. Pain lessens when you are whacking at a tennis ball, swimming laps or hugging a child.
Taking a look back at the situation may allow you to realize there is some truth to what has been said. If that’s the case, then maybe it is time to take action and change. Instead of viewing the words as harsh criticism and allowing it to affect you personally, see them as a constructive idea for you to work and improve on.
One singer, for example, had the Met tell her that her high notes were “shrill and screechy.” She was, of course, terribly hurt but the criticism helped her see she was on the wrong track with her current teacher. She went on to find a new teacher who knew how to fix high notes and used the criticism to fix the problem.
The next time you are broadsided by harsh words, process your thoughts with these simple but powerful exercises. By the time you get all the way through them, you will find a relief at taking control over the way you are affected by things over which you have no control. You are in charge of your own emotions and you just won a major victory in your life. You have given yourself a coping skill that can be applied every time you find yourself in the position of being falsely accused.
The workplace is hard enough to face without having your mind cluttered with unnecessary burdens. This exercise will keep your mind from being a battleground. Keep your mind free of hurtful things so you can enjoy and focus on the good things that come into your life.
[Edited for Classical Singer by CJ Williamson]
