Congratulations! You finally landed that coveted gig or audition in New York City, and your friend or relative has offered you a place to stay while you’re in town.
Are you nervous about your singing performance? Perhaps you should be more concerned about your performance as a houseguest; some city residents think a visit from an out-of-towner is about as pleasant as a root canal.
Examples aren’t hard to find. A New Yorker recently posted a message on the New Forum for Classical Singers (nfcs.net) about a sticky situation he once experienced. An old friend from college asked to stay for “a week or so” in the writer’s 175-square-foot apartment. “Five or six years later—OK, really [about] five or six weeks, but they sure seemed like years—I finally got the houseguest to move out,” he wrote, adding, “We wound up not being friends anymore.”
Another NFCS member recalls, “I had a houseguest once who started warming up, full voice mind you, at seven in the morning!”
Consider the case of a local conductor and his wife, who were visited by two young men on an overseas trip. “We invited them to dinner every night and sent them off with packed lunches whenever they embarked on their sightseeing trips around the city because they complained of the high cost of everything and stated that they had a very limited budget,” the couple wrote, noting that, “We never even received a thank you for our hospitality.”
Are you having second thoughts about your visit yet? Don’t despair. Most New Yorkers I know agree that guests are welcome—provided they adhere to a few simple guidelines.
Guestiquette Tip No. 1: Observe the Three-Day Rule
Everyone’s heard the old adage that guests are like fish: after three days they start to smell. Peggy Post, etiquette expert and Emily Post’s great-grand-daughter-in-law, suggests in her book, Excuse Me, But I Was Next (New York: Collins, 2006), that you: “tell your host when you’ll arrive and when you’ll depart. Take your cues from your host, but a good rule of thumb is to keep your visit to no more than three nights. And stick to your schedule.” Clearly, when it comes to guest visits, good things do happen in threes.
Guestiquette Tip No. 2: Don’t Space Out
That 175-square-foot apartment mentioned earlier isn’t so unusual in NYC. With the exception of billionaires and those who are lucky enough to land a rent-controlled or rent-stabilized apartment, most New Yorkers compromise on space so they can live in the city rather than the suburbs. With this in mind, try to make your “guest footprint” as small as possible. “Keep your things organized in one place,” suggests Manhattanite Joanne Aron. Saffa Koja, another local hostess, urges potential guests “not to hog the bathroom.”
The same principle holds true for the dining room, living room, and kitchen (all of which, incidentally, may be part of the bedroom). Don’t ask, or expect, your hosts to entertain on your behalf. If you have friends you want to see during your visit, meet them elsewhere. Even if you do all the cooking and cleaning while entertaining your friends in your hosts’ home, your hosts may not appreciate the extra, uninvited guests.
Guestiquette Tip No. 3: Contribute (Financially or Otherwise)
It’s not considerate to expect your hosts to cook your meals every day, especially during longer visits. Why not give your hosts a break and show them gratitude at the same time by treating them to a nice dinner? Alternatively, if money is a concern, you could cook them a dinner at home (assuming you can cook something edible).
One wise NFCS member wrote, “When I stay in NYC, I always err on the side of generosity. If I am staying for a weekend, I always bring a gift or treat to dinner. If I stay . . . longer, I expect to chip in for rent. And I pay promptly.”
Former NYC resident Irene Busmalis has some additional suggestions. “If the host cooks a meal, do the dishes,” she advises. “Strip the linens from the bed and ask the host where to put them; offer to wash them if there is time and if a washer is convenient.”
The list could get as long as a performance of Parsifal. You get the idea: Help out however you can.
Guestiquette Tip No. 4: Have an Intermission Mission
You wouldn’t expect to perform for hours on end without a break, so why would you expect this of your hosts? It’s not such a stretch to compare hosting to performing. After all, hosts are supposed to remain charming and hospitable, even when they’re feeling tired, grouchy, or under the weather, so think about going off on your own from time to time during your visit.
“As long as you don’t do it in the middle of dinner preparations or a planned activity,” writes Post, “you’ll probably make your [host’s] day if you disappear for a bit so [he or] she can regroup, take a nap, or simply not feel obligated to entertain you for a while.”
Guestiquette Tip No. 5: Remember that Timing Is Everything
The stereotypical New Yorker is always in a rush, and there’s a lot of truth to that stereotype, so be mindful of your host’s schedule when you set up your own. For example, try not to use the shower during the time when your host typically gets ready for work. If your host happens to be a singer, too, don’t monopolize the piano just when he or she needs to warm up before a rehearsal. In short, whenever possible, arrange your schedule so that you can practice or primp when your host is out.
Guestiquette Tip No. 6: Respect the Neighbors
Noise has long been one of New Yorkers’ top pet peeves, whether it comes from beeping horns, construction work, late-night clubs, or even classical singing. In an attempt to attack the problem, the Bloomberg administration recently introduced a new, stricter noise code. Its enforcement has been limited to date, but it’s still a good idea to sing at reasonable hours when you’re within the city limits.
Remember, also, that classical singing is not everyone’s favorite genre, so it’s best to practice in moderation. This will help ensure that you don’t upset your host’s neighbors, which, in turn, would likely upset your host.
Guestiquette Tip No. 7: Show Appreciation (Before and After)
Two of the most fundamental rules of common courtesy are to arrive at a host’s home with a gift in hand, and to send a thank-you note (handwritten is preferred but e-mail is acceptable) once you’ve left. In the future, you may also want to extend an invitation for your hosts to visit you.
Avoiding Host-ility
Are you ready for your upcoming guest-star performance in the Big Apple? Just keep these “guestiquette” guidelines in mind, and you should do just fine. You might even get a callback from your host.
