You know the type. Stage Mom enters the music practice room with her 10-year-old daughter, your voice student, and begins giving instructions to her child immediately. In fact, she hardly notices you, the vocal instructor she has hired to teach her daughter how to sing. The student often ends up in a proverbial ping-pong match between teacher and mother, unsure of who is the authority in the room. You begin to wonder why they have come to you, since Stage Mom seemingly already knows everything you are going to say, and precedes you in saying it.
Eventually, you are able to begin a warm-up with your student, and Stage Mom is forced to listen, or heaven forbid, sing along. Perhaps you should be charging for a duet lesson, you think to yourself. Just when you have gotten the nerve to politely ask Stage Mom to leave the room, the lesson is over—and you vow that it won’t happen again next week.
This nightmare is only the lesson. Just wait until the actual performance, when Stage Mom is standing in the wings, hovering over you and your student. As if hovering is not enough, she interrupts you every chance she gets, and fusses over your student so much that it’s impossible to keep the nerves to a minimum.
Next she makes demands on you that generally have nothing to do with your student or the performance, such as reserving extra front-row seats at the last minute, asking permission for her to videotape the performance, or getting you to hold the door for her as she brings in a portable dressing table with a very large mirror. (Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “break a leg!”) This only takes your attention away from the task at hand, which is preparing and relaxing your student for her performance.
I’ve been teaching private voice lessons for about 13 years now, sometimes up to three nights per week, at various studios and out of my home. I’ve seen and experienced what a nuisance and a deterrent a stage mom can be. With constant interruptions, inappropriate questions, and unreasonable demands, it’s very difficult to be at your best as a teacher or to give your greatest effort to train a singer.
After all, that is what it’s all about, training singers. As you know, it takes time, patience, perseverance, experience, and intelligence to properly train a singer. Especially because each one of your students has his or her own problem with developing technique, and you must have an extensive bag of tricks to solve these problems. This is largely trial and error—some exercises work better for some singers than others. It’s also somewhat intuitive, and of course relative to your own vocal training.
Unless Stage Mom has done more than sing in the church choir, she is not qualified to fill your shoes. This is important for every voice teacher in this position to bear in mind. You are the expert, and Stage Mom hired you to teach her child how to sing. So, when Stage Mom enters the practice room, remember: You are the authority on vocal training, and she is drawing from your expertise to further her daughter’s success in the next talent competition.
Unfortunately, there’s no “Intro to Parents 101” in your college course book to prepare you for situations like these. Some things you can learn only from experience. From my own experience, I’ve developed the following 10 rules to help avoid, or at least minimize, infuriating situations with Stage Mom.
Rule 1: Allow parents in the practice room for the first lesson only, and even then, only if the student appears apprehensive.
I always make prospective students and parents aware of this rule prior to the first lesson. This immediately clears the playing field and eliminates any hazardous situations with parents in the practice room every week, for weeks and weeks on end. You can do this politely, and if you handle it properly, you’ll be able to recognize Stage Mom quickly, and begin to position yourself with her. Simply explain that you need one-on-one time with your student, without interruptions, to allow for the creative process to unfold.
Next, explain the process of a lesson, such as five minutes of breathing exercises, then 15-20 minutes of vocalizing and technique development, then the remainder of the time on repertoire. This will establish your experience, your tried-and-true procedure, and let Stage Mom know that her daughter is in good hands.
Rule 2: You must approve all song selections.
I find it helps to assign some songs you choose that are appropriate for advancing technique, and allow the student to choose some songs, to keep his or her interest level peaked. You must have final approval on all songs that involve lesson time, however. You must not allow Stage Mom to force you into working on a selection that is inappropriate for your student’s vocal range, ability, level, age, or interest.
Again, remember: You are the expert here. If a student brings in a song that is not fitting, you must stand your ground and explain your reasons. Choosing appropriate repertoire is part of the learning experience you must pass on to your students.
Rule 3: Parents are not allowed backstage before or after a performance, unless there is a true emergency situation.
Stage Mom needs to show support for your student from the audience, not from the wings. Parents in the wings only cause distractions, increase nervousness, and generally drive you crazy.
If necessary, meet Stage Mom and your student at the stage door, and tell Stage Mom that the auditorium manager does not allow parents backstage due to fire codes. Stage Mom may come back with: “I need to help her get dressed,” or “she needs her water bottle,” or other, similar demands. If this happens, politely stand your ground, and assure Stage Mom you’ll do everything possible to help your student prepare.
Rule 4: Always give the assignments directly to the student, and communicate the expectation that your student will complete them independently.
By assignments, I’m specifically referring to researching, locating and ordering sheet music, books, staff paper, etc.—within reason, of course, dependent on the age of your student. Also, the parent may be required to provide a credit card number to order over the phone or Internet. If you insist that the student take charge of these responsibilities, however, it helps establish the student/teacher relationship. I feel this is an important part of the learning process anyway, and allows students to choose and locate music on their own.
Rule 5: Always refer to your student by name or as “my student,” rather than “your son” or “your daughter.”
This will establish a familiarity between you and your student, and a subliminal separation between your true expertise and Stage Mom’s flamboyant (and sometimes ignorant) enthusiasm. It will also reinforce you as the authority during lessons and performance preparations.
Rule 6: Spend the last three to five minutes of the lesson summarizing the lesson with your student and Stage Mom.
I suggest walking out to the waiting area, if that’s available. Position yourself next to your student, so you are both facing Stage Mom. This, again, establishes you as the teacher and the expert. Much of this has to do with body language, which sends a clear message of confidence and competence.
This may also avoid phone calls from Stage Mom during the week, to ask inappropriate questions, or make pushy demands.
Rule 7: After a performance, take a moment to privately congratulate your student backstage, saving any criticisms for the next lesson.
This gives you a moment to show appreciation for your student’s dedication and hard work, without being overpowered by “you know who.” It may also be an opportunity to pick up the pieces of a poor performance due to nerves, forgotten lyrics, off-tempo accompanists, or a crying baby in the audience. If you are the first person to approach your student after a performance, your words will more likely be remembered, and your encouragement at that moment will keep them coming back to lessons.
After you’ve had this time, dismiss your student to the love and adoration of family and friends, and politely take your leave. This again establishes a separation between teacher and parent, which only helps you and your student in the long run. Family and friends can celebrate, while you write down your comments to discuss at the next lesson.
Rule 8: Remember your role as teacher and mentor, rather than functioning as a continual confidant about family matters and friendships gone awry.
I’m not suggesting a cold and regimented environment for every minute of every lesson. At times, when a student seems unusually distracted, it’s important to ask what’s on her mind. Sometimes this leads to talking about personal matters, which may put you in the role of counselor. This is not something that should take over the bulk of your lesson time every week, however. When you limit the time spent discussing personal matters, you also limit hearing complaints about Stage Mom, complaints with which you may be inwardly inclined to agree.
No matter how difficult a Stage Mom becomes, you must keep your personal feelings to yourself. Not doing so would be like breaking up a marriage, and only exacerbate the problem.
Rule 9: Be honest and forthright about your student’s strengths and weaknesses.
Your evaluation of your student’s progress is very important, and must be accurate. Don’t let encouragement turn to empathy. You can do this without being unkind—we don’t all have to be Simon from American Idol. He is direct enough for all of us (although I can’t say I disagree with him most of the time!).
Always offer your positive comments first, followed by the techniques your student needs to practice. Stage Mom will lead you to believe that she thinks her daughter can do no wrong. So, when offering criticisms, do so in a positive, supportive fashion, and explain them very specifically. If you can, relate the technique to a particular measure in a song your student is studying.
Rule 10: Become keenly aware of your student’s goals, desires, abilities and promise.
You may wonder what this has to do with managing your Stage Mom. Remember, your Stage Mom believes her daughter or son is the next pop or country child star. Your student may not possess the desire, ability, or perseverance for such a goal.
I’m not suggesting that you be pessimistic about your student’s potential, or unappreciative of a parent’s support. I am suggesting a realistic and practical point of view, however. Be sure to have open and frequent discussions with your student, to differentiate a potential career in the music business, or simply the pursuit of music as a hobby.
No doubt, you have noticed a common thread in all of these rules: Always convey confidence, competence, and establish yourself as the expert. Don’t let Stage Mom steamroll you! You’ll see a significant difference in your student’s progress, and perhaps more importantly, your sanity.
Break a leg!
