Let’s face it. Some singers are less socially aware than others. We all come from different backgrounds with different exposures to various things. But no matter what your concerns and experience, you can still appear civilized to the operatic world if you master the Basics, get gracious with the Intermediates and downright diplomatic with the Advanced. (Now which fork do I start with when there are more than one?)
The Basics –
It ought to be obvious
Say “thank you,” “excuse me” and “you’re welcome,” not uh-huh, when someone opens the door, refills your glass, etc. If you make it second nature, you won’t even have to think about it.
Smile. A lot. Even if you think your face will crack open.
Write thank-you notes, by hand if you can. Do it often. Sometimes we fall all over ourselves to general directors at the auditions but forget to say thanks to another singer for a dinner invitation or a tip on an audition.
Keep in touch with contest supporters. It means a lot to them and you may need $500 to go on an audition trip to Europe. You never know where help may come from.
Don’t be late, ever, for anything.
Apologize if it’s your fault. If you commit a big social faux pas, like accepting an invitation and not showing up, send a card apologizing.
Shake hands. Everyone is nervous at the first rehearsal or audition. Be in charge and take the initiative by introducing yourself and shaking hands around. You’ll be surprised how far this goes to making everyone, including you, relax.
Thank the accompanist. You can always find something positive to say.
Respond to invitations. Don’t ever, ever, ever fail to respond to a personal invitation to a party, etc., particularly a written one. It is the height of boorishness. And if you go, remember to send a thank you note!
Be kind and courteous. Don’t miss a chance to be kind, you won’t have a chance to make another first impression. Also translates as Be positive and supportive. You don’t have to be ingratiating, just considerate.
Intermediate – for the truly cultivatedWhen companies house you with the locals, help out. But don’t let it interfere with your singing commitment to the company that hired you. Fold laundry, wash dishes, clear the dinner table, take the dog for a walk, clean up after yourself.
Take a small gift with you for your host family or when you go to dinner at a friend’s house. It doesn’t have to be expensive, a bottle of wine, gourmet vinegar, a handmade soap or even a handmade greeting card will be recognized as thoughtful.
After you leave, keep in touch. They’re probably on the opera board. Send a thank you note and let them know what you’re up to in the future.
Don’t sleep with your colleagues, no matter how good looking. It’s one of the first things that will get you a lousy reputation. It could even get you fired, and it is always in some way detrimental to the success of the production.
Send holiday cards and again, a thank you note to those who have helped, housed, invited or treated you. (Are you getting the idea about thank-you notes yet?) Use the mail, it’s more surprising and effective than email.
Don’t hurt other singers. They often end up in a position to help or worse, hurt you back.
Hospitality, hospitality, hospitality. Most of us can’t afford to take a visiting friend out to dinner but a homemade spaghetti dinner is something we can all offer.
Pay back a favor ten-fold. You won’t be beholden to anyone, and you won’t feel guilty if you need to call in a favor later.
Try not to swear. People might think you got your music degree while you were in prison, rather than some music department. At least don’t swear at somebody.
Offer a ride if you can. It’s a good chance to network and an easy favor if it’s not out of your way.
Don’t be bossy. Everyone likes to at least think they know their own stuff better than someone else knows it.
Offer money for gas or tolls in exchange for a ride. Do your share in return. If you are perceived as a sponge, it gets around.
Don’t blame others even if it’s their fault. It makes you look weak.
Hold your temper. Don’t blow up in front of colleagues. They may not agree with you and you will look like you are throwing a tantrum.
Advanced –
The D.M.M. (Diplomat of Music Manners)
Be nice to the crew and those singing smaller roles or chorus. They are in a position to make or break your performance and you definitely want them on your side.
Don’t tell someone off in front of others. When you are alone, you can speak up for yourself in a way that lets someone know his or her behavior isn’t appropriate and offends you.
Sing in the local church/synagogue on Sunday morning. It helps ring up interest for the company and promotes an image of singers as generous people who give back to the community.
Don’t talk about others behind their backs, especially on location. Save it for a spouse/ partner or someone outside of the business.
Don’t give vocal advice unless asked. Confidence is a large factor in career success. You will look like a back (or face) stabber if you give unasked for advice and you can undermine another’s confidence if you “offer” unsolicited advice.
There. Now that wasn’t so bad! If you manage most of these, you can present yourself and not look like an extra on The Beverly Hillbillies. But if you want to know which fork to use, you will have to ask Emily Post.
