Singing has greatly affected my dating/relationship life–men tend to be quite threatened or overwhelmed by women who have such a different, definite and demanding career–but then there are some who aren’t. The trouble is to find them when you actually have time! I’m a soprano who had an unfortunate passion for baritones for a while and found being with another singer very difficult. Even with different Fachs, they are threatened by my success. As far as the personal ad thing: I found a plethora of really scary/needy men and then one, who seemed wonderful, sweet, kind, understanding. Then, even though I am a very street-smart woman, this man lied, hurt me very deeply and stole a great deal of money from me–so my opinion of the personals is rather grave, as well. I figure when the time is right I will meet Mr. Right for Me–all in good time–like everything else in this business!” –Name Withheld
My ambition to be a singer helped in the demise of my first marriage. I got married at age 20 which was way, way, WAY too young. I hadn’t even figured out what I wanted to do with my life. I had been taking classical voice lessons, but had an opportunity to sing with a rock band. Even though this wasn’t what I envisioned for my career, being young and crazy I really wanted to do it. My husband was very distraught and said it would destroy our relationship. That got to me and I succumbed and said no to the job. Shortly after this happened we split up. I know there have to be compromises in marriage, but that incident made me feel that I was not in control of my own destiny and was fuel for the fire that eventually destroyed our marriage. Epilogue: I am now married again, very happily to someone who is my biggest fan, who supports my singing unconditionally and unashamedly promotes and praises me to all and sundry. A great feeling!” –Name Withheld
When I was living and studying in New York, it was the absolutely loneliest time of my life. I was meeting NO-ONE. After about two years, I answered two ads in the paper. One was absolutely hopeless. The second person was a real sweetheart, an artist, and I think something could really have happened there, but as fate would have it, I met someone else (not through an ad) just before the arranged meeting and that was the end of that. I still think of him sometimes and hope that he is happy, because he really was a lovely soul.” –Name Withheld
I met my wife when we were in the same opera production. Right from the start we knew we had the same interests. Rehearsals are a great means through which one can form friendships and/or relationships since a common reason exists to see each other. The best part is when each has a long break from their next scene. However, one of the biggest turn-offs is a singer who is unprofessional, and unprepared. No pretty face/ great body will ever compensate for that. I briefly placed an ad and was involved with a dating service long before I was married. Both were non-eventful. I think a classical music dating service/personal ad section would be beneficial, since the true inner feeling and soul of the individual is already understood.” –John A Titone, Astoria, Queens
I am a senior at the University of Illinois. I have often encountered problems with men who feel threatened both by my success and the amount of time devoted to music. Men don’t enjoy being told that you can not see them because you have to practice. Also, my lifestyle is greatly effected by my music. I don’t go to bars due to smoke and noise and on a college campus, there isn’t much else to do. I am forced to be the ‘party-pooper’. People that don’t understand the voice, don’t understand the singer’s life and that makes relationships difficult. However, in relationships with other singers, there is the problem of jealousy. As a woman, I have found that men sometimes have a problem with their partners being more successful then they are, especially when they are in the same field. Relationships are never easy, and being a singer tends to add extra baggage” –Name Withheld
I am dating a non-singer, and yes, my singing does affect our relationship. It has been especially tough lately, because I am traveling so much. He is also very busy with his work, so our time together is limited. However, we have a very solid, loving relationship and we make the most of the time we do spend together. Because I am just now starting out on the singer career track, he understands that there are certain things I have to do. If I get an offer for nine months overseas, it is a foregone conclusion that I would accept the job, and we would deal with that when the time came. We are very committed to each other and the relationship, but still the future is uncertain. At this point we have not discussed our future together–I think to do so right now would probably be a mistake. But the discussion is coming, and I’m not sure what it will lead to. Ultimately I want to live in the same vicinity (no long distance romance for me!), and take out-of-town gigs when I can. Any relationship is difficult, but with a singer I think there’s an added burden, with the travel and the constant rejections that are de rigeur in this career. My boyfriend is not completely knowledgeable about opera or the nuances of what I do, but he is incredibly supportive and really makes an effort to be a part of what I do, without interfering in my decisions. I know it will be a tough road ahead. I am willing to deal with the bumps, simply because he makes me incredibly happy.” –Name Withheld
My husband and I had serious relationship problems because of my singing. One example: he forbid me to accept a young artist program because of child-care issues (I had arranged to take them with me) saying, “I didn’t get into this marriage just to be left alone for six months.” I actually lost my mental health because he would not allow me to really pursue singing and I wasn’t strong enough to put my foot down. I didn’t realize that singing isn’t a career choice, it is a calling and you have to do it in some fashion or you can really cause harm to yourself and your relationship. We are one of the few couples I know that survived, learned and grew up. I’m now singing full-time and we are both a lot happier. We could, in fact, write a whole book about this!” –Name Withheld
My singing has made created some obstacles in relationship maintenance. My significant other and I work hard to stay in touch while I am on the road performing, phone calls and weekly letters are rampant. There is an adjustment period when we do meet up again, but these periods are becoming more brief, as we rediscover each other and fall in love one more time. But singing has also had a positive effect on my relationship. Singing fulfills me as a person. Being happy and fulfilled as an individual frees me to be open and loving to someone else. My significant other would be mad at me if I quit! “ –Name Withheld
At 22, my (now) long-distance relationship with my boyfriend of four years is the first serious one I’ve had. Prior to that, I hadn’t tapped into the joy and energy of good singing. Strangely, when I’ve been singing regularly it feels as though I have no need for the boyfriend! We have discussed marriage as a likely eventuality, so figure we’re fairly serious. I talk with my singer friends, and they say this isn’t unusual; singing is such a high that any relationship, which isn’t head-over-heels, just can’t compare with it. I worry that if I marry the boyfriend, I will end up like my parents: she is a musician and throws herself into her work and is cold to him, he is so frustrated with her coldness that he resents the world she cherishes. Maybe I should consider seeing someone who is also a musician and can understand the joy of it, so we can relate to each other. When the voice isn’t working as well, I feel more need for closeness with the boyfriend. When the voice works, he simply isn’t necessary. That’s terribly coldhearted of me. If the voice didn’t give me such joy, I might be happy with him. But because I know from singing that there is more to my heart and soul, I’m not content. –Name Withheld
Being a free lance singer makes it very difficult to build a relationship. But then, to build a relationship is always difficult.” –Name Withheld
I have found that depending on the person, singing can adversely or positively effect a relationship. In my past relationships with fellow singers, I found that immature men were threatened by my ambitions and drive. My husband, however, who is both a mature man and a non-musician, is not threatened and is totally supportive. I find that being married to a non-musician who does have a strong musical background (voice, piano, flute, and theatre) is perfect for me. He has good ears, and I can trust his judgment. There is, however, no competition between us, as there can be between musicians, especially if one is more successful than the other. Life with my husband is much richer and diverse because of our different career paths.” –Name Withheld
If it wasn’t for my singing career, I would have never met my wonderful boyfriend of eight months, who was hired the same day as I. It is great to have someone to empathize with and to discuss musical issues with. However, because he is a male singer, he has been offered more opportunities and is thus making a higher income. At first, I suffered from a great deal of envy towards him. I reconciled this by realizing that in the long run, his opportunities would benefit us both financially. Aside from the monetary aspect, it has also hurt my pride somewhat since I have a Master’s degree, and he has a Bachelor’s degree. I ran a personal ad once during graduate school, and will never (never say never) do it again. I don’t believe it is a safe and effective means of meeting a life partner.” –Name Withheld
