Life can be very frustrating sometimes. Most of us just want to be happy, yet so much of life seems to keep pulling us away from that simple goal. We try to do all the “right things” to reach our goals and find fulfillment—eat well, work hard, be kind—yet often the object of our efforts seems to move farther and farther away, leaving us unfulfilled and disappointed. How much do we struggle with trying to land that certain contract, trying to lose weight, trying to stay balanced, trying to master a technique or have a fulfilling relationship? They are noble desires, but often we find ourselves frustrated and disappointed in our pursuit of them.
Why is this? Often, it is because we are pursuing a physical goal while we are actually trying to fulfill an emotional need. For example, we have experienced the unrelenting emphasis in our society on losing weight in the attempt to be thin. Billions of dollars go towards studies, products, surgeries and advertisements, all in the attempt to help people lose weight. The fundamental intent is to be healthy and well—but many people are of the (often unconscious) mindset that thinness and beauty will fulfill other, deeper desires: admiration, attention, acceptance, perhaps even love.
Many of our desires are distorted in this way. Often, we associate the attainment of a specific material thing with the fulfillment of a deeper emotional need. This results in two different outcomes: 1) we obtain the material object and yet are still dissatisfied, since the emotional need was not met; or 2) we do not obtain the object, and we feel that emotional need within us grow as the supposed fulfillment of that need moves further away.
As these needs within us grow, and we continue to look externally for satisfaction, the gap between what we are pursuing and what we are trying to fulfill grows. That distance is filled with fear, anxiety and worry, which cause us to feel unstable and threatened. So we reach out to what we know and what we can hold. We latch onto our material goals again, hoping they will provide relief, yet they cause us to be pulled even farther away from the need we are trying to fulfill. Thus, a vicious cycle ensues.
The ironic thing is that many of these external aims are very worthy in themselves. For example, it is important to take care of oneself, to exercise, eat well and rest. We know that we must work to develop our skills to obtain the roles we seek, and that having healthy relationships is an important aspect of a rewarding life. Since we are ultimately seeking fulfillment and love, we participate in activities we believe will bring those qualities to us; but often we view the activity or the object as the actual source of fulfillment or love, and quickly become disillusioned when the activity or object disappoints us in some way.
If we were to pause a moment and look at all of these goals, and if we were to look at what we are really desiring as we pursue these ends, what would we see? In our desire to be thin, are we really seeking acceptance? In our desire to be successful, are we really seeking respect? In our attempts to be kind and supportive, are we really trying to earn love? When we begin to really see what our true desires are, then we can begin to understand how our efforts move us toward or away from our ultimate goals.
Once we begin to see that what we are really seeking is love, we can understand that any effort to manipulate and base love on an external condition will not be absolute love and will ultimately leave us feeling dissatisfied. Any attempt to prove our worth as an individual will result in constantly proving ourselves to others. If we only find fulfillment through participation in a particular activity, that fulfillment will pass when the activity is ended, leaving us hungry and needy for more.
So how do we begin to address these needs and be freed from their power? Well, simply enough—if it is an internal need, then we must go within. We must be willing to go into our hearts to face that need and look at its fears; we must know it well in order to know how best to feed it. We must find those elements that we seek within ourselves first and cultivate them in our moment-to-moment lives so that when they come to us in our external world, we will know them.
We create our world through our actions and reactions. If we know true love, acceptance, kindness and compassion internally, these will be expressed in our dealings with the world. They may start as brief, subtle moments, but as we begin to see, know and express those qualities, they will be more consistently manifested in our lives.
“You only recognize something if you already know it,” writes Joel Kramer in his book, The Passionate Mind. “You can only seek what you know.” If we are not well acquainted with absolute acceptance and complete love from within, we will never recognize it when it comes to us. We will always be drawn to incomplete, and ultimately disappointing, forms of acceptance and love.
As you go about your day, notice what you are seeking, notice how desire influences you. If you are striving to have the fastest coloratura, the biggest sound or the lowest pitches, take note of what you are ultimately trying to achieve. Is it to impress? Is it to improve? Is it for enlightenment or to prove your worth?
As you interact with others, what are you seeking? Do you try to prove your merit? Do you try to win their favor? Are you experiencing life together—or are you seeking anything at all?
Do you experience disappointment when your objective is not met, and if so what kind of disappointment is it—a temporary loss or a feeling of worthlessness?
There are no right or wrong answers to all of these questions. There is only what “is,” merely information to learn from. Once we can see clearly, we can refine our choices, keeping our eyes on what we truly seek, and not be distracted pursuing the wrong thing.
