The time you spend apart from a loved one, no matter how long it may be, can be tough. This is especially true for the traveling musician, whose late hours, demanding rehearsal schedules and varied sleeping accommodations lend insecurity to an otherwise structured life.
Two singer couples who have more than a little experience at long-distance relationships are Elisabeth Carter and her husband Jim, and Joseph Mahowald and his wife, Elizabeth Moses. All four are performers with careers that take them on the road for weeks and months out of the year. One partner from each couple was asked a few questions about how they handle the problems inherent in this type of relationship.
CS: What do you find the most difficult thing about being apart for a substantial length of time?
Ms. Carter: Besides the obvious things, such as the personal intimacy and spiritual separation, I find that we fall out of the habit of consulting one another. When we’re home we compromise to each other’s various preferences, but being apart we once again become self-reliant. This makes it a bit of a struggle returning home to the reality of co-habitation.
Mr. Mahowald: The problem in a long-distance relationship comes when, as individuals, we grow in different directions. Change is essential to our growth as people and performers, so when one part of the relationship changes, it no longer maintains the same balance, and friction can arise.
CS: How often do you communicate with each other while you are away from home?
Ms. Carter: We usually start out saying we won’t call more than once every other day. But as the time wears on it becomes a daily event, and then as opening night approaches, we call every time some new upset crosses the mat.
Mr. Mahowald: We try to contact each other at least once a day at a set time. It’s important to be there for the call so the other person feels the importance he or she has in the relationship. In a financial crunch we’ll either write a letter every day or call late at night when the rates are low.
CS: Do you and your mate share the same goals in life?
Ms. Carter: Yes, generally. As far as the big picture, we are pretty much on the same track with ultimate goals, although we may differ on the time line and the devices for reaching those goals.
Mr. Mahowald: Three years ago we sat down and made a five-year plan to identify long-term goals. It’s helped us to remain unified in our views as we change and grow as people.
CS: Do you consider singing an essential part of your relationship?
Ms. Carter: Singing is a part of our souls and individual identities, but it is not essential that the other person sings professionally–only that we each do what makes the other a complete person. If Jim were to find fulfillment in writing, or teaching, or whatever, it wouldn’t matter to me as long as it makes him happy.
Mr. Mahowald: Yes, singing is an essential part of our relationship. We met on the road doing a show, and it was the common ground between us. Now we do concerts together. It’s fun to work with her because we know each other so well. It’s the longest-running repertory company I’ve ever been in!
CS: What do your family and friends think about your relationship?
Ms. Carter: I have no doubt that our families think it’s a mighty odd way to live, but I know they are convinced that we are doing the best we can with our talents, and that to do anything else would be less than God meant us to do. They are also happy that neither of us has to pursue this business alone.
Mr. Mahowald: My family likes her more than they like me. Really!
CS: What is the best thing about a long-distance relationship?
Ms. Carter: It is a good thing to sometimes have our own time away to grow and have new experiences to bring to each other when we are reunited.
Mr. Mahowald: Long-distance relationships make you remember how much you really love the other person. It also gives you time to work on yourself without distraction.
Here are some common scenarios describing why couples split up and how to recognize them before things go too far.
1. “She/he just doesn’t appreciate what I do.” Your partner needs to recognize the aesthetic importance of your art or they will always consider your career less significant than you do. Unless you are earning a very comfortable living with your singing, this can be a major problem in your relationship. Right from the start, find out your partner’s real feelings about music and singing in particular.
2. “We met doing a show, but because he’s getting more roles I took a ‘real job’ while he’s still singing.” You are no longer doing what you love, and this leads to anger and resentment. Avoid this train wreck by spending quality time discussing how important singing is to both of you, and affirm that neither of you will get out of music completely. Talk, listen, and compromise.
3. “We are apart more than we are together.” You don’t seem to know him or her anymore, and this brings on feelings of insecurity, jealousy, and that “I don’t even know why we’re together” feeling. Don’t bury these doubts; bring them to light and discuss them. Being completely open and honest about your feelings is the only way to make positive changes and get your relationship back on track. Ideas will come when the subject is approached with trust and sincerity. Often one partner has no idea that his or her absence is having such a negative affect on the other. We can’t read each other minds, so it’s crucial to talk, listen, and put your love into action.
4. “I’m disappointed with the way his career is going (or vice versa).” When I first met him, he was singing a lot and making good money. Now he’s working less, and this just isn’t the way I expected things would be.”
