One little plastic-wrapped cake was randomly sitting by the cash register at the coffee shop where I was buying tea. “What’s this?” I asked the cashier. “A mini madeleine,” she answered as she gave me my change. With a smile and a wave, she let me take the treat.
The power of a question. You don’t know where the simplest exchange will lead you, yet sometimes asking for directly what we want can be intimidating. As women (and let’s face it, the majority of classical singers are women), a reluctance to stand up for ourselves can be detrimental to our careers. In their groundbreaking books Women Don’t Ask and Ask for It, authors Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever discover that men are four times more likely than women to initiate negotiation and twice as likely to ask for what they want.
In the working world, this is one of the reasons why fewer women are promoted and why women still earn less than their male counterparts. By not negotiating a salary for their first job a woman stands to lose more than half a million dollars by age 60, as a higher starting salary would lead to a lifetime of higher wages. (Word to the wise for singers looking at the job market after graduation.) Women also have lower expectations about the worth of their work; women report salary expectations between 3 and 32 percent lower than those of men for the same jobs.
Because so many classical singers are women, this phenomenon can disable the entrepreneurial spirit before it even takes hold. Compounding our reluctance to ask are some of the habits we learn from our studies as singers. With so much to learn to become a singer—technique, acting, languages, business skills, etc.—the student mentality can be hard to shrug off, and we assume we are beginners even once we have gained some expertise. Babcock and Laschever also point to psychological research that reveals how society—through toys, games, media, and chores geared toward girls—teaches us compliance rather than independence, emphasizing the care of others instead of asserting ourselves. Facing these hurdles, striking out on your own can feel like an act of rebellion.
Whether you are starting your own ensemble or planning your career as a soloist, you are not going to get there by yourself. You are responsible for assembling a team of people you trust who can give you the help you need to move forward. To find that team, you will need to do a lot of asking around. If you’re starting an artistic project, you will soon be seeking an entire network of performers, volunteers, audience members, donors, press members, and vendors. Every one of these relationships requires negotiation.
Tips for Being a Good Asker
The books mentioned above offer many tips and techniques to empower women to ask for what they need, but here is a quick list just for singers.
The truth is out there. During a lesson or a coaching, your job is not just to make a good impression, but to assimilate the information you are receiving. If you have been honestly trying to learn from your teacher and you find it’s not working—either in the practice room or during the lesson—express your difficulty and ask for help. A good teacher will appreciate the feedback and be able to offer alternatives. If it doesn’t work out after a few tries, take your business elsewhere. Remember that private lessons are ultimately a business relationship. Your teacher may be vested in your success (if you don’t look good, they don’t look good), but they also have an incentive to keep you as a paying customer.
Truth can be tough. While it’s important to work toward your musical goals without being overly critical, it’s equally valuable to strive for constant improvement. Find someone you trust and whose opinion you respect—a teacher, a fellow musician, or an experienced listener—to tell you bad news when you need to hear it. It may be rough, but it’s the only way to confront and improve weak spots.
Seek out opinions. Who doesn’t like to be asked for their advice? Chances are you know numerous professionals—teachers, performers, directors, ensemble leaders—who have interesting perspectives that can teach you something. Think of a question for them and drop them a line. Ask them to coffee. Invite a bunch of musical people to a party. This is called networking, and it’s also a chance for you to gain valuable information and perhaps lay the groundwork for tangible returns. You are asking for something that costs nothing but gives the person you’re asking a chance to talk passionately about something they care about. You will get something from the bargain, and they will feel good about it too.
Don’t overthink it. Shorten the time between having an idea and acting on it. If you wonder how a colleague managed to fundraise for an entire opera production, don’t be shy to ask her about it. Want to put on a concert with a performer you admire? Ask. What could happen? They might say no. They might be thrilled to say yes. Expect to be surprised.
Start racking up the favors. Someone is more likely to help you if you have helped them in the past. The beauty about asking people for things is that it makes you think of how you can return the favor. Instead of seeing other singers as rivals, you start to see them as colleagues, and you may find ways of working to help each other.
Be nice to everyone all the time. In addition to helping others, bolster your reputation by being someone everyone wants to be friends with. This doesn’t mean being a doormat, but honestly offering positive energy and good spirits. It also involves looking at every relationship you have and asking yourself, “What could I reasonably ask them for now—and how can I change my behavior to ask them for something else in the future?”
Everyone in your life has the potential to give you something—your dry cleaner (it might be a possible business to advertise in your concert program), that weird girl who is always trying to talk to you (she might be a potential volunteer), that nice old man who compliments you at your church gig (he might be a prospective donor). Keep talking to everyone—get a sense of their interests and then follow your instincts when you feel the time is right to ask for something. Sound a little Machiavellian? It’s just another way of thinking about what you are giving to your network and what ideally might come of it.
So get out there and start asking! Who knows, someone might just hand you a little piece of cake.
