By Angela Peterson Winter
Let’s face it, rejection stinks! But it’s also inevitable. And, it turns out, the one thing that can keep rejection from sinking its painful talons into your heart and your confidence is: perspective.
I remember vividly my first, and most painful, singing rejection.
I was a senior in high school, eagerly anticipating getting the lead in the fall musical. Since entering high school, I had been told by my choir and drama directors that I would have my turn my senior year. I did everything that was expected of me and more: took lessons, sang in all the choirs, made All-State every year, attended Interlochen and Tanglewood summer programs and was planning on pursuing music in college. I nailed the audition and truly thought I had it ‘in the bag’.
Then… I got Ensemble.
They gave the lead to a cheerleader who had sung in choir and nothing more.
I was devastated.
Not only had I not gotten something I desperately wanted and felt I had earned, but I felt betrayed by the very people who had made high school actually tolerable.
Not knowing how to cope with such intense emotion, I largely stuffed it and continued with the show.
But over the years, doing so wreaked a lot of havoc. I spent a lot of energy as a young artist trying to prove my directors wrong and get approval from others. I struggled with confidence and feeling not good enough, and I was often cynical of future directors. I was so afraid of letting myself be vulnerable that I closed up, and my singing lost much of its joy and authenticity. I couldn’t find any good or meaning in the rejection, only pain, and I let it define me and my performing for far too long.
Then I had a shift in perspective, and found peace.
I realized that the pain of the actual rejection was minimal compared to the pain I inflicted on myself. I did this by what I subconsciously made the rejection mean – that there was something wrong with me and that I wasn’t good enough.
To make it worse still, I then continuously rejected myself as I replayed the scenario over and over again, for years, always coming to the same conclusion about myself, that I wasn’t good enough.
But the biggest pain resulted from arguing with reality – the belief I vehemently held onto that they were wrong to reject me, thereby blocking any opportunity to learn from the situation. When I let go of this belief I realized that maybe they were actually right to reject me; I had been singing for them and for the role, not because I loved the music or was filled with the joy of singing.
Once I got clear on all of this, most of the pain simply vanished. Best of all, I finally learned the lesson the rejection held for me: sing for yourself, not for the part. And in that lesson lay the power and the peace of my rejection.
“When you’re honest, vulnerable, and genuinely humble, criticism [and rejection] can’t hurt you.” – Byron Katie
May you, too, find perspective and peace and release yourself from your own painful rejection.
Angela Peterson Winter, M.M. is a voice teacher and life coach who helps singers free their voices inside and out so they can sing with joy, perform with confidence, and create with authenticity. She believes that learning to sing is a journey of the body, mind, heart, and spirit and works to pinpoint and release the stuck places throughout for ultimate artistic freedom. She holds degrees from Butler University, Westminster Choir College of Rider University, and certifications in coaching and CCM teaching methodologies. She was also a 2011 NATS Intern. Learn more and receive your FREE Practice Guide at www.angelapetersonwinter.com.
