“I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.”
– Maya Angelou
Remember this story from last week? Sam met Judith at a party thrown by mutual friends at their apartment. She was interesting, smart, cute, challenging, and talented according to his friends and he felt he had known her all his life. She, he found out the next day from his friends, was interested in getting to know him better as well. Sam was doing well as a printing executive. Judith was working at a temp agency while starting her singing career. She was about to go out of town once again for a few weeks to do a role in some opera with the Fort Worth Opera Company. Sam really admired her commitment but knew nothing about opera. Judith knew nothing about the printing business but liked Sam’s sense of integrity and his wonderful sense of humor. They started a relationship via phone calls and emails. They found they had much in common with their upbringing and backgrounds. Both were from small mid-west towns, had siblings and were an aunt and uncle. Soon they started seeing each other exclusively and finally moved in together. Within the next year they were talking marriage. Both Judith and Sam had to go out of town on business trips quite often now, Judith being gone for longer periods of time than Sam. As the glow of being in love started waning and the reality of dealing with everyday issues became more prevalent both Sam and Judith started wondering if this was the best idea for them. They had a hard time juggling their careers, making time for each other, and then, tending to
Sound familiar? Deciding to make a commitment to your career and your relationship can feel like a conundrum. How do you make it all work? Is it possible to do both? It seems overwhelming, like you have to make a choice. Is there a way to make it work? Yes is the answer. Here are some more ideas to help you work through this type of situation.
- Write down and share both a team and individual plan of action.
Try this: Both of you get a piece of paper and start keeping a list or creating a mind map of wishes, wants, must haves and desires you each want to create in your lives as a team, and one for your individual careers. There doesn’t have to be any order to your list and keep going for as long as it takes to get some really good ideas jotted down. Then sit down and together prioritize the items on each of your lists or mind maps. As you start this process you may notice that there are several similar ideas between you. Believe it or not, you have just created a list of goals for your joint future. Now get a fresh piece of paper out, leaving space between these suggested headings and write down 5 years from now – 3 years from now – 1 year – 6 months – 3 months 1 month from now. See where the prioritized items on your list fit into these time frames. Will there be something on the 3 – 1 year – 6 – 3-1 month list to help support and move you both toward your that goal you have set for yourselves as a team in 5 years? Do the same process for your individual goals. If you just talk about it without writing it down, it won’t happen as fast or might not happen at all. Writing it down seems to help keep it real. And allows us to focus on what really matters in our lives. As you work on your team goals you will notice that you feel a stronger bond to your partner each day because you are in the process of creating a life for yourselves as that team. You will notice that your conversations often move to things you have thought of, read or seen that pertain to your long term and immediate goals as a team. Or you might even be adding items to your goal list as you go. - Be clear with your personal/individual career goals.
Please share them with each other because this will also keep you both inquisitive and interested in what’s going on in the others life. Without realizing it, if you don’t share your individual career ups and downs, it can create a problem within your relationship and you could start to drift apart.
Schedule a time once a month to go over both the team and individual goals and do it together. You want to know if you are headed in the right direction to making your goals into a reality. Do you need to make some adjustments? Remember that nothing is set in stone. It is just a map, not the territory you are working with. Don’t be afraid to make changes and adjustments. Do however, continue to work on this together and do write them down. - Commit to your plan of action.
You will find that both the team and individual plans of action minimizes the “crazy making” situations. It allows you to fall into a pattern that is beneficial for both of you. Just like your career, you have to work at your relationship and give it the time and attention it needs. Stick to your team plan of action, and you will always have an important connection to one another that leads you into the future. In the beginning of anyone’s career and relationship there are a lot of sacrifices to be made and bumps in the road to be worked out. Don’t take the easy way out by becoming complacent and start looking for quick fixes outside the relationship. Having these strategies and tactics within your relationship and individual life, will strengthen, sustain and grow your future in the direction you want to go. It helps create the balance which can be very fragile and vulnerable without it.
This is your life going by, so live and enjoy every moment of it. When you are 80 and you look back at your life, what do you want it to look, feel, and sound like? Will your memories be rich, all encompassing and satisfying? So I ask the question now, do you have it in you not only to work at a career, but work on your relationship as well? For me, it’s about learning to balance each aspect of my life as well as I can. But then all of life, music, performing, and our relationships with others and their careers and even the one with ourselves is about balance. It’s challenging but it makes you feel alive. So dare to really live your life fully each and every day.
Be present and enjoy your journey. Ciao Until next week. Carol
