By Angela Peterson Winter
Growing up, I was studious, plan and goal-oriented, and steadfastly committed to following through to execute the vision I, and my parents and teachers, held.
Behind this drive, I have since learned, were many subconscious if/then beliefs.
Some of these beliefs served me well and overall held true: If I practice regularly, then I’ll keep improving. If I get good grades and keep improving my singing, then I’ll get into a good college. If I take all these classes, then I’ll graduate on time.
But there were many others that didn’t work out so well: If I do everything my voice teacher says, I’ll be a successful singer. If I push myself to accomplish everything, then I’ll reach my dream. And, perhaps the biggest one for me, If I’m perfect, then everyone will love me.
Expectations are absorbed from every direction. From the time we’re little and our parents are trying to get us to eat our food or hurry out the door, we’re filled with consequences and rewards – both real and exaggerated, that program us for life.
If this, then that.
Many of these expectations were taught or self-formed with good intentions, but I’m increasingly aware of the strong role they’ve played in my own suffering, and I have a sense they may be influencing yours as well.
The programming helps us to function in society, to get things done according to convention, but it can also steer us away from our authentic voice, because we accept things as true that may not be. We then suffer when those expectations aren’t met.
I suffered for years trying to constantly make myself more perfect in order to earn others’ love and approval, onstage and off – perfection has nothing to do with love, after all.
I spent my 20s feeling lost as an artist and not knowing what it was I was sent here to say – decades spent pleasing my teachers and other adults and earning their support was not the clear-cut path to success, after all.
Several different times I found myself exhausted, depleted, and burned out – pushing myself to accomplish everything I thought I wanted and was supposed to have didn’t bring my dreams , after all.
Expectations are our way of trying to feel in control and make sense of our world, yet, held too tightly, they lead to suffering.
So I ask you:
Who would you be without your expectations?
Who would you be without the ‘rules’ by which you live?
To examine this more directly, try this exercise.
Get a pen and paper.
Think about everything you’re intending to do today.
Write down the if/then statements behind each activity. For example, if you need to go to the grocery store, what are the expectations about the food you’re going to purchase? The money you’re going to spend? If you’re going to practice, what expectations do you have of yourself?
Now simply look at each statement you wrote and ask – is this true? Categorically, absolutely true? Then ponder the above questions and see if the expectations can soften and begin to melt.
When you let go, when you release, when you surrender attachment to the outcome of every moment, every situation, every person, and most especially, yourself –
You make room for the Divine
and your authentic voice.
Angela Peterson Winter, M.M. is a voice teacher and certified life coach who helps people find their voice and express who they really are. She helps them pinpoint and release the stuck places throughout body, mind, spirit, and voice so they can sing with ease, create with authenticity, and live a passion-filled life. She holds music degrees from Butler University, Westminster Choir College of Rider University, and certifications in life coaching and CCM teaching methodologies. She was also a 2011 NATS Intern. Learn more about reconnecting with your sound and spirit at www.angelapetersonwinter.com.
