Busy careers, family life, personal life–we want it all. But how do we keep it in check? Many women successfully juggle singing careers and families, miraculously finding time to travel for performances, practice new music, and attend their children’s soccer games or ballet productions. How do these wonder women do it? As a busy singer and teacher without children, I can barely find time to walk the dogs, squeeze in an occasional yoga or Pilates class a few times a week, or go out for a romantic dinner with my significant other. I could not imagine also juggling late-night bottle feedings and endless diaper changings. I have also missed out on the countless joys of motherhood, however—seeing a baby’s first step, reading bedtime stories, and playing dress-up or making forts.
I asked singer friends, colleagues, and former students who are successfully balancing career and family to share their secrets for success. The response was overwhelming. They truly are wonder women, and I am in awe of their abilities to wear so many hats.
The Juggling Act
I first asked these women to describe how they balance career, family, and personal life. “I am definitely a mom first and a singer second,” says soprano, teacher, and mom, Courtney Bowles Miller. “My priorities have changed since I had my son, Camden. I have always known I wanted to be a mother, a singer, and a teacher. Having my own career, in addition to being a mom, empowers me as a woman and makes me a better mother. Yes, at times juggling both becomes difficult, but with planning and organization it is possible and enjoyable to have each. Teaching privately has allowed me to work in a career I love, to own my own business, and to be home most of the time with my son.”
Recent DMA graduate from Peabody Conservatory and recent new mom, Arsenia Soto Brickley adds another perspective. “Balance is something that fluctuates,” she explains. “After my son was born, I put family first, then career, then personal life. I wanted to spend as much time with my baby as possible during his formative months, so when I had the option to return to teaching, I put that on hold. I was fortunate to have a steady job with evening hours through being employed in the Las Vegas production of Phantom of the Opera. That allowed me to have time with my son while not having to sacrifice monetary support, and I value that as an important gift in my life.
“Now that I am temporarily unemployed, family still comes first,” she continues, “but I realize that I may have to sacrifice my precious daytime hours with James in order to return to teaching. Although my balance will shift to career first and family second, I feel that I am still putting my family first. The career decisions I am making are based on the needs of my family.”
Time of life can have a lot to do with finding balance. “I’m at a place in my life right now where I’m enjoying the best sense of balance I’ve ever experienced,” says Kathleen Roland-Silverstein, Fulbright scholar, soprano, teacher, author, wife, and mom. “I’ve just finished an anthology of Swedish art song, started a new job as assistant professor at the Setnor School of Music at Syracuse University, have a busy singing schedule, and am working on making my family’s new house a home.”
Jenny Millsap, New York-based soprano and mother of two young boys, shares the following secrets. “Prayer. Seriously. And I have a wonderful husband who is also a singer. He gets it, and we support each other. We write out detailed and precise schedules to manage our busy lives. Everything goes on the calendar, including dates, playground time, and doing the dishes, in addition to our work. If it’s not on the calendar, it definitely won’t get done. If it goes on the calendar, it at least has a 50-percent shot!”
Making Personal Time
How do singers wearing numerous hats find time for themselves? Many women admitted that in trying to find some sort of equanimity between career, family, and self, their personal lives suffered. “I’m not sure what a personal life means,” Millsap says. “If it means I have time for a social life or to pursue hobbies, well, no, there is no time for that. My life is heavily weighted toward my family. Any spare moment I can find is devoted to my singing. I have no leisure time. I don’t even really remember what that is like!”
“I oftentimes neglect my personal life in order to fit in family and career,” admits Soto Brickley. “Like most new moms, I know maintaining some sort of personal life is difficult, but I am getting better at it. Certainly I am a better person with some ‘me’ time. I also find that when I need more ‘me’ time, what I really need is to find more career time. Connecting with an audience or helping a voice student is enough to recharge me. And that is a blessing. How many people can say that about their jobs?”
Soprano, teacher, film actress, and mother of two Lisa Sain Odom applies a sensible approach. “I think if you love something enough, you will make time for it. I love my teaching career, I love performing, and I love my family, so I make it work. When you are busy, you are forced to decide what’s important and what isn’t. I enjoy watching Glee, but if I don’t have time for it, it’s not important. What is important becomes obvious when you are busy, and what is not is easy to let go.”
Gilmore says the key is remembering that sacrifices are often short term and to keep family communication lines open. “I learned to juggle when I had to focus on my career and when I had to focus on my family,” she says. “When my kids were babies, I obviously prioritized my life so I could be available for them. I would accept singing jobs when I knew my husband was free to help. On the other hand, when it was time for doctoral recitals, important competitions, or finishing my dissertation, I knew my family would hardly see me. We knew it was temporary and we made sure to talk about it regularly so that we were all on the same page.”
Bowles Miller maintains balance by making sure she has alone time with her husband. “We go on at least two dates a month, which keeps me sane and able to juggle everything.” Similarly, Marcía Porter—award-winning soprano, Fulbright scholar to Brazil, mother of two boys, and associate professor of voice at Florida State University—attests her sense of balance to having a loving and supportive husband. “Without his help and advice, I am not sure I would be able to do what I have managed to squeak by doing.
“My students understand that my family comes first, but they also understand that they are important to me, too,” Porter continues. “I always work to be as flexible with my students as they are with my family’s needs and me. As far as performing, I can only do so much. If I were not teaching and had a super-international career with a nanny, a cook, and a housekeeper, things would be different. But I don’t, and I am so thankful for what I do have. I have just learned to put my priorities in order.”
Choosing a Family
Obviously, juggling family, career, and personal time comes at some cost. I asked singers if they had made a conscious decision to have a family while pursuing a singing career and if they had re-evaluated or changed that decision later in life. For some, it was a clear choice, but for others, it was a natural progression.
“I never made a conscious decision when I was younger to have or not have a family,” says Linda DiFiore, mezzo-soprano, Regents Professor of voice at the University of North Texas, and mother to daughter Julia. “I had my daughter later and I had already established a career as a professor and singer and, therefore, didn’t have to worry so much about building a career while concurrently trying to raise a child. It wasn’t so much a conscious choice, it just seemed like a logical progression.”
Soprano Cecilia Violetta López—recent UNLV graduate in voice performance, current principal artist with Opera San José, and mother to daughter Sara—took a different approach. “I had a family before starting my career. My daughter spent many hours with me in opera rehearsals, concerts, and even music courses during my undergraduate studies. It wasn’t easy, but I always had my husband’s support in pursuing my career.” López wonders if her career path would have been easier if she had waited to start a family, but says, “My family is the motivation that gives me strength, patience, and persistence. Many people, including my little girl, have sacrificed a lot to help me get where I am today. The least I can do is work hard to make their sacrifices meaningful.”
Porter has only one regret: that she and her husband did not start their family sooner. “Early in my marriage, my husband and I decided that having a family was much more important than having a career. Careers are not guaranteed, but neither is a family. However, I could not imagine going through this journey without my family to share the ride with me. They help me stay grounded, while at the same time lifting me with their honesty and love. Careers alone cannot do that.”
Singer, teacher, and mother of two, Rebecca Brandt Hample chose to stop pursuing a singing career that involved travel. “There are many different descriptions of a career,” she says. “I have chosen to focus on teaching and sing the things I want to sing. I tried a traveling career, but was extremely unhappy being away from home for extended periods of time. I had an opportunity to try it out and decide I didn’t like it, and then have a family. I am fortunate to have that chronology. I know many of my peers have had a family and wonder what they could have been if they didn’t. I do know that I wouldn’t change anything.”
There is no easy answer when it comes to juggling a singing career and raising a family. As Joseph-Weil aptly sums up, “The lesson learned is that we must always listen to that inner voice that speaks to us so silently, yet strongly, and follow our hearts.”
The full article Wonder Women appeared in the February issue of Classical Singer magazine.
